Robyn's Nest

It Was the Best of Times, and It Was the Worst of Times

2011-09-05T20:30:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted in a while due to life just being chaotic. Adjustments are being made, and there have been good days, great days, and some days...well...not so good or great. It has just been life with the good, the bad, and the ugly; however, it has been ours. It is real. No need to deal with fiction when reality is just better in so many different ways. With that being said, I would rather have a bad day with the Flatlander than a perfect day with somebody else. He centers me.

The good: The kids, all of them. A night with rain beating down, pumpkin candles, Russian tea, and the sounds of Billie Holiday.

The Bad: I really don't want to go into deeper details out of respect for all involved, but let's just say life can throw you a curve. Just when you you have a chance to inhale, you watch something fall apart. You may want to ask God "why me", but shouldn't it be "why not me". Every person who is under the moon tonight has problems, and sometimes they just seem to overwhelm. My minister reflected on this just last Sunday and made several valid points, and this is what I am holding to this week:

1. Repent: Luke 13:1-5
2. Reform:
3. Remember: Psalm 77:7-8
4. Revive: Hosea 6: 1-3
5. Report: Be prepared to report how your hardships glorify God, your first true love.

Someday soon I plan to "Go Tell It on the Mountain".

The Ugly: Recently, I did a two part posting over toxic relationships, and I did so due to somebody actually acting out toward me in a manner that made me extremely uncomfortable. Basically, they wished that my new marriage, life, and relationships will crumble around me. Karma was going to get me. Why? Because we aren't close anymore. Even though I tried to ignore her, for the most part, I must say that her attitude did bother me just because I am that much of a thought on her mind. That my happiness bothers her so much, she must wish harm for good. Needless to say, even though I am not a Buddhist, I really don't think that is purpose of Karma. We don't go through life doing good to repay others with bad. I don't see why we want bad things to happen to others. Here is my open statement to her, "I don't want anything bad to happen to you, your marriage, or your life. I believe you have a good heart, and you deserve to exist without pain. My life shouldn't be your focus, as your life shouldn't be mine. Let's just exist without being in each other's way. Believe it or not, you are not even a blip on my radar, anymore. I will wake up tomorrow with a clear heart and mind and move forward. I suggest you do the same."

Simplicity for Survival, Part II

2011-07-30T17:05:00.000-07:00

To end a toxic relationship, you also need to remember that you cannot control the toxic waste that streams from their mouths. If they were dysfunctional with you, then they will be as well without you. Some people are also born for the fight. They are not content unless they "have their say". They may smile at your face and then talk freely about you behind your back, and this is okay.

What? Yep, you read right; it is okay. If it damages your reputation in anyway, then take direct action; however, if it is just with another person over coffee, then you know that is okay to ignore them. Yes, it hurts. Hurts bad, but when you attack back you open yourself to more heartbreak. Remember, this person isn't your friend for a reason. In a perfect, post therapy world, we should be able to say, "Excuse me, but I don't appreciate what you said." In reality...well, it may not be met with the response you want.

You are not a bad person. I am not a bad person, and their opinions of you shouldn't make you feel like you are. Yet, what if you are the one trashing somebody over coffee? Then stop. Stop being that person. Stop bullying. Stop feeding your own insecurities. We are all beautiful in our own ways, and the attempt to destroy others for your own self-gratification is only taking away from your peace of mind. If you must vent, then vent to one trusted confidant, and make sure your opinions are balanced. No need to drag others into a moment of muck.

So, just in case you are the one going through a detox or you are the one causing the detox, know that God knows the truth, and the truth is really in your heart on why it is happening. Accept and move on and hopefully surprise visits in Walmart won't be that bad.

Simplicity for Survival

2011-07-29T12:18:00.000-07:00

Something happened this week that made me want to use this forum to rant and give my side and yell and scream and vent and no. No, I am not going to do it. Why? Because that is not what I want to carry with me every day. I do not want to use my words to condemn a person or situation just based on my perceptions and so called intuition. That is more simpleton than simplistic.

Life can sometimes be unfair. People can be unfair. Add it all together, and it is enough to explode, but that is far from how I want to be. Removing toxic relationships can be painful for both parties, especially when one can only be vindicated through hateful words and painful condemnation. It hurts. It does bother me, but if I respond then I am the one who creates the drama. Not fair to either party because it doesn't promote healing. Sometimes it is best to cut your losses and walk away without blaming the other person.

My new life contains a new fiance, new home, new job, and it isn't perfect. The beauty of it requires sacrifice and faith in the unknown. Be patient with me as I acclimate and remember life isn't perfect. Just deal with your own and let me deal with mine.

Planning a Party

2011-07-18T15:45:00.000-07:00

Sunday is our engagement party. It began as a shower, but it is now a full scale party with both genders and many people RSVPing. I really hope it turns out well. We rented a cabin at a local lake, so we will have access to a grill and playground. Considering how many people are needing to be fed, I am keeping things simple with hot dogs, sausages, chicken, potato salad, seven layer salad, cowboy baked beans, fresh fruit, and a cake that I hope is as pretty in person as it was on the order form.

I am doing the decorating myself, and I am using the color scheme I had planned to use when I was organizing a church wedding. Navy and hot pink it is. I super glued 10 mason jar centerpieces Saturday, and I plan on filling them with wildflowers. I want to keep things rustic and simple, but I still think small twinkle lights will make it there some how.

This party is becoming more and more important, and I think it is because I am no longer planning a church wedding with family and friends. When the big day arrives, it will be just the two of us with our kids, so this is my only chance to include everybody. Yeah, they were with me the first go around, but they have also been with me as the world turned upside down on me. They were the ones who believed in me when nobody else did, and for that, I need a way to say thank you; the engagement party is one big thank you for their love and support.

This party is also a good bye. I am in the process of moving, and I won't be in our area on a daily basis anymore. I am already spending more time there than here. Bittersweet, more sweet than bitter, bitter than sweet.

Looking for the Little White Church

2011-06-29T07:39:00.000-07:00

Clingmans Dome with my Head Literally in the Clouds

The destination wedding to Gatlinburg is on; more of a weekend retreat than destination. The original date is still off due to events we didn't see coming, but that is life. In order to be prepared (biggie for me), we ran down to TN this past weekend with research on the brain. I wanted to see the chapels before I sent money, and I am really glad I did. In case any of you have used the chapels in downtown, this is not judgmental in any way. Every wedding should match the bride AND groom; however, I really don't want to get married next to Ripley's Believe It or Not. Love that place, but not dream wedding material for me. It worked well for my groom's dad, but I want to be away from the sounds of the tourists. Tourists can be a loud bunch. With that in mind, I am happy to report we did find a place with a lot of potential. The Chapel in the Glen is beautiful and tucked on a mountain several miles outside of town. Quiet and peaceful are the two best words to describe it. She took us into the chapel, and it just looked perfect for what we had in mind, just us and the kids. Nothing tacky, which has been a worry for the groom's mother. No Elvis at the door with wedding book in hand, which disappoints Thing One. Simple, sweet, and beautiful. I am interested in a waterfall service below the chapel. This also appeals to the groom since he loves the look of overhanging trees.

Now the hard part...when.

The Simple, Wanna-be Cook Goes Country

2011-06-24T23:07:00.000-07:00

Today began with taking my granny to her monthly doctor's appointment. Since she was a good girl and didn't cry, I took her to a local drive in for lunch. After traditional fast food bliss, she and I wanted something completely different for dinner, and thanks to our local produce stands, we were able to have half-runner green beans, new potatoes, fried green tomatoes, cornbread, and homemade blackberry cobbler. Yummy!

My contributions were the tomatoes and cobbler:

Simple Blackberry Cobbler:
When I was about six, I would climb the hills behind my house to pick berries for my neighbor's cobblers. I would bring my basket into her kitchen where she always asked if I had been eating the berries. I would shake my head and say, "Nooooooooo", even though I was covered in sweet, purple evidence. If you go picking, be careful since blackberry bushes seem to attract copperheads. This recipe came from my neighbor's kitchen to my mother's to mine.
1 cup sugar
1 cup milk
1 cup flour
1 stick butter
About two-three cups fresh blackberries

1. Mix sugar, flour, milk and melted butter together until smooth.
2. Pour mix into a baking dish that is buttered, floured, or sprayed with oil.
3. Sprinkle berries over the top

4. Bake in a preheated oven at 350 for about an hour or until the top is golden brown and the cobbler is bubbly.

Doesn't get any easier or better than this

Simple Recipe for Fried Green Tomatoes:

Make a batter from 2 cups flours, 1/2 cup corn meal (or panko crumbs), salt, pepper, and just enough milk to make it smooth.
Dip your tomato slices and fry.
Some time ago, I Googled how to keep fried foods crispy and read that you should put fried food in a colander. Place it over a paper towel on a plate and let the oil drain. Whoever posted this, thank you! Perfect for fried green tomatoes.

The colander in this picture is about sixty years old and actually not a colander at all. My granny bought strawberries in the 1940s and kept the plastic container. This is the only colander she has ever used.

Sunrise, Sunset

2011-06-23T11:36:00.000-07:00

Today has been a busy one. I have been running the roads since 9 AM this morning, and I am ready to relax with the magazines I never have the chance to read. First stop was to open a checking account with a bank that has a branch in the town I am moving to this summer. Then Thing Two had an eye appointment. Turns out he needs reading glasses due to a focusing issue. I did chuckle at the way it was worded. Pizza and light shopping ended with me picking up my engagement ring (had to throw that in), but that is nothing compared to what I found when I made it home.

I opened the door to find my eldest cleaning the kitchen. A beautiful sight for my tired eyes, but she was beaming from ear to ear. She had made the perfect egg (sunny side up) and homemade pancakes. The recipe came from a website. As she happily went out of the room, I nibbled a leftover pancake, and wow, she impressed me. They were delicious and better than most adults'. I have to admit I miss the little tow head that stood in front of the pantry and asked for "hot yummies", but I am blown away by the independent young lady she has become. My baby is an extraordinary young lady, and I am humbled that she is mine.

Blueberry Dreams Done Simply

2011-06-15T08:37:00.000-07:00

I love blueberry pancakes, and today I indulged by making my first batch of blueberry syrup. My favorite critic seemed to enjoy it!

Blueberry Syrup
1 cup sugar
2 tbsp. Cornstarch
1 cup water
2 cups fresh blueberries
1 tbsp. Lemon Juice

a. Mix sugar with cornstarch
b. Over medium heat gradually add the water, stirring as you do
c. Add blueberries and lemon juice
d. Bring mixture to a boil and stir constantly for two minutes

Very simple! I added my extra blueberries to my pancake mix and served warm. The recipe makes three cups, so I now have extra for the weekend. Waffles anybody?

Another Summer Reading Treat

2011-06-14T08:49:00.000-07:00

So far this summer, my reading has centered around education and professional development. I am switching school districts this fall, and I am looking for inspiration, page by page. Needless to say, I became a bit bored. My choices were good, but I got a hankering for something...well....fun. Here is what I found so far:

Bubba and the Dead Woman
This mystery is free right now for Amazon Kindle, and I have to say it was entertaining. The bad guy is not that difficult to figure out, but that didn't deter me from finishing it in one evening. This characters are a hoot, especially Bubba's mama. A nice, little mystery.

Still Life with Murder (Gilded Age Mysteries #1)
Now it is time for something completely different. The characters are far from light and fluffy. The mystery is dark and complex, and I cannot get enough. Nell becomes the unlikely governess for a wealthy family right after they discover their two sons have died in Andersonville. Three years later, the eldest son is very much alive and accused of murder. He is far from perfect with an Opium addiction, and the author doesn't gloss over the character flaws. I wouldn't call the mysteries "gritty" but they do have an edge to them, and once I began to read, I couldn't stop. I finished book two last night, and I have a feeling I will have the entire series read by July. There are six books in all.

To Be or Not...Internet Connection Has Been Lost

2011-06-08T09:19:00.000-07:00

A fellow teacher Facebooked yesterday that she was reading an article about the future of textbooks in the technological age, and it began a conversation with a colleague about what should we expect. Basically, they are going the way of the dinosaur. In the near future, netbooks and E-book readers will take the place of the big, bulky books your children or grandchildren are carrying.

On one hand, doesn't that sound amazing? No more back strain by the ripe old age of thirteen. The resources online are endless, and less trees will be destroyed. Children, who are naturally geared toward the new and shiny, will easily adapt to the changes, and most will excel. We then can drive them to school in silver jumpsuits and flying cars.

Don't get me wrong, I love technology. My kindle is my new favorite toy, and I love how easily I can zip in and buy a book and zip out to read. I would love an I-Pad. Don't see one in my future, but it would be fun; however, we need to realize that using technology is easier said than done, especially in rural or urban areas with higher rates of poverty.

First and foremost, technology fails, big time. We are using an online computer program for summer school this year and guess what happened after lunch yesterday: we lost Internet connection. We had a plan to go and grab...insert gasp...textbooks, but the final bell rang, and the children skipped merrily home. We lost seat time due to the fact technology is completely unpredictable. My own desktop, hooked up to my Smartboard, proves this on a daily basis since it takes twenty minutes to just boot up, if I am lucky. The same teacher workstation is so outdated, I have to use another computer in my room to just open my school email. The list can go on and on and on.

Yes, I know, in the long run the argument is based on expenses. Every thing in education is based on the bottom line; however, technology doesn't last forever. Within moments of purchase, your items go immediately out of date. Things need updated. Computers need to be replaced. School boards don't have the budget in coming years, and then none of this happens. Then what? My district can't even afford to replace the English textbooks we are currently using. They are over fourteen years old. How will they be able to do yearly upgrades?

They next argument is that this will allow every student the ability to do more and learn more ( and pass more state tests). Well, maybe not. Not every student in my school has the ability to access the Internet at home. If I offer a technology based assignment, I have to present an alternative to the students who are unable to go online. We even have students who live in areas where cable companies fear to tread, and have you even looked at the online packages for most satellite providers? Downloading is only free from midnight to six AM? Seriously? Once again, a one size fits all solution to a diverse population isn't the answer.

I hate being negative, and to be honest, I want this to work. I want to see technology incorporated into the curriculum in a manner that is productive and reliable. I want them to prove me wrong. I want to see my children with their school paid for I-Pads growing and learning in ways I never could. I want their success in this miraculous age we live in; however, maybe we need a more realistic view of what life is really like for our students. Maybe we need more than the latest fad.

The Simple Wanna Be Cook Makes French Toast

2011-06-07T06:58:00.000-07:00

Yeah, so what. Big deal. I know, French Toast is not rocket science, but I had a house full of people and not much time on Saturday until a wedding (not mine). How was I going to feed them? A few weeks ago, I read about making French Toast the night before and then baking it. That sounded perfect, and this is what I did with the ingridients I had on hand:

1. One loaf of French Bread. I cut it into about one inch slices
2. One cup of heavy whipping cream
3. Five eggs
4. A dash of vanilla
5. 1/2 cup of sugar
6. Cinnamon

a. Whip the eggs with the cream and vanilla
b. Layer a baking pan with bread and pour mixture to saturate.
c. Refrigerate overnight
d. Preheat oven to 400
e. Pour sugar and cinnamon over the bread
f. Bake twenty minutes
g. Serve hot

I wish I had a picture, but people were too hungry. My son ate it with bananas and syrup, and asked for more. Since he is my most critical eater, I took it as a compliment. This recipe will be made again soon, but I am thinking of making a blueberry syrup to go with it. I also like making eggnog French Toast in the winter, and I believe this will translate nicely with a little nutmeg instead of cinnamon.

I will take pictures.

A Kindle Treat

2011-06-06T08:55:00.000-07:00

"I teach, therefore, I am...poor." John Pearson, Learn Me Good

Thanks to my lack of summer reading, Amazon introduced to me to the hilariously honest Learn Me Good. Even though I am not an elementary school teacher, I still found this book to be a realistic view of not only the first year of teaching but teaching in general. This isn't for you if you are looking for new ways to use a Venn Diagram or wanting the politically correct Another Casserole for the Educational Professional. This isn't that kind of book. Learn Me Good instead reminds me that there is a time to laugh, mostly at myself.

Teaching can be an adventure. People often have their opinions of public education and educators, but I don't think you fully understand teaching unless you spend time on the front lines (No, Sunday School doesn't count, and yes, politicians, I am talking to you). From the moment I began the prologue, I knew this book is different. First of all, I like how it is an epistolary memoir; the tone is more conversational and relaxed. The emails add to the humor, as you imagine two geeky (saying this with only the love that a fellow geek can convey) friends, joking between work mishaps and The Big Bang Theory. By the time the book was over, I wanted to be in his address book. I wanted more. Thankfully, Mr. Pearson is a blogger at Learn Me Good .

I also enjoy the fact this book isn't all cutesy and huggy with butterflies and rainbows. Teachers do experience those moments, but come on, not on a daily basis. A student has vomited on my desk. 'Nuff said. I hypervenelate every time test scores are released. I find NCLB idealistic. Mr. Pearson may not agree with my statements, but in my fantasy school faculty, he understands enough to hand me a brown bag before I pass out. In other words, this book is by a teacher who teaches, not a consultant who...well, who knows what they REALLY do.

So, here is my call to action: stop taking yourself so seriously and check out Learn Me Good by John Pearson. I was lucky enough to get it for less than a dollar but the 2.99 is workable, even on a teacher's salary.

Buy Learn Me Good

The Paris Wife, Part Two: So This Is the End

2011-06-01T10:20:00.000-07:00

The novel ended just like the history books. No startling revelations or new found secrets. It just was. She lived her life, and we can just go to Wikipedia for his. I have to admit I became obsessed for several days with the many characters that breezed through. Who were they really? What significance did they make? I Googled their images and wondered about those hot days in Spain that were so critical to Hemingway. Of course, this novel wasn't their story, so we didn't really get to know their motivations; instead, they were characters who fretted their hour upon stage and then no more. This made the illusion of Paris more real because who really knows the superficial. By the way, the biography of Duff is fascinating, and she knew how to make a grand exit. Too bad she wasn't explored more.

Desperation filled the climax and falling action of the story. Could you, would you try to save a marriage that gave no sense of fulfillment? Could you, would you sacrifice yourself for the love of another? It is easy to read the fiction and grumpily say NO, but what do we actually lose when we love? How much do we throw out and never see returned. The Hemingways burned bright and then burned out. The failure of the marriage seems to have haunted Hemingway where he later wrote A Movable Feast, and I have to wonder did the myth actually live to regret his actions and heartbreak, not just to Hadley, but to the others who followed him to ends of the world and back. Why him? What exactly was his power? Was it basically the thoughts of changing the man? Comfort to the loss? Rescuing that that cannot be saved? Maybe it was just lust. Maybe all of the above. Women break every day trying to save the broken.

The resolution to the story feels rushed and a bit tacked on, but I cannot see how it would be otherwise. Time passed quickly, and then it is over. After I closed the last page, I couldn't help but wonder how much of the novel is accurate, but the glimmering characters give more to the idea of myth vs. reality. To know the full truth would only take away from the mystery. Sometimes fantasy is better.

Hemingway explored masculinity in his novels, and The Paris Wife seems to be the antithesis of his very nature. Every aspect of feminine relationship is explored: wife, mother, lover, child, sister, friend. Hemingway may tell us what it takes to be a man, but Hadley allows us to understand the egnima of the woman.

The Paris Wife: Reading and Wondering, Part I

2011-05-08T13:44:00.000-07:00

Hemingway: the man, the myth, the power. I have always been fascinated by his mystique, but I have given very little thought to the women who shaped him, four wives and one pretty nurse. The Paris Wife focuses on Hadley Richardson who was Hemingway's first wife and the one during the Paris Years, and this example of historical fiction is leaving me with a hollow feeling. To be honest, I can only read it in bits and pieces. Maybe because I know how it ends, adultery and divorce.

I know somewhere there will be a sense of female empowerment. You can see where it is shaping, and in this age, I cannot imagine publishing a book about a doormat; however, the author is now showing how overwhelming Hemingway was in life and how dependent Hadley must have been. She was emotionally attached to her dysfunctional family, never fully comprehending her father's suicide and her larger than life mother. The fictional Hadley never felt the desire to live until she encountered the enigma of Hemingway, a man several years her junior. She was emotionally stunted and years younger in experience, so her happiness was hinged on a man who wasn't able fully to love without fear. He left before his women could.

At this point in the book, I just want to slap her. As Cher says so elegantly in Moonstruck, "Snap out of it!"

Each step is a process, and we are to experience life with her, but at this certain point, I am just thankful not to be married to writer in Paris during the 20s and dealing with his emotional issues. Greek tragedy is based on catharsis, and this book, in a way, is cathartic. Her obsession is allowing me to clear my own mind of the relationship garbage that seems to creep in and makes me doubt myself. In that sense, this is a good book for me, right now, but if only I could yell at her to stop and regroup. Don't build your life around one person, Hadley. People are fallible, and they will break your heart if you only live for the myth you create in your own mind. She can't hear me. She is too torn between being the Victorian child or the "modern" woman in Paris. She thought she could save him. Poor Hadley, because thanks to Oprah, we know he is the only one who can save himself.

Maybe this is why I haven't made a life commitment since my divorce until recently. Love is scary and dangerous. It is scary to lose yourself into one person. It is even worse to lose yourself in the ideas of the life you want but not fully realized. You become a shell or ghost; a shade just going through the motions. Your home is filled with the shadows of the possibilities of life but nobody is fully living. Love shouldn't turn you into less than what you really are.

So far, Hadley is merely a shade mirroring the life being lived by Hemingway. Hopefully, soon the pages will reveal a stronger voice and one worth hearing.

To be continued...

Everybody Has Got Their Problems...

2011-05-01T08:56:00.000-07:00

That was said to me this week,and it is so true. Sometimes we get caught up in our own world that we forget that everybody is mired in their own quagmires of reality. Bills need to get paid. People die. Cars crash or break down. Hearts are broken. Before we say a harsh word or make an assumption, maybe should we take a moment and remember everybody has got their problems. Your world may be in discord, but so is that woman over there and also that man in the back. We are all strangely united in joy and in pain.

I know this won't make our own struggles easier. Only faith, hope, and love can do that, but maybe we are here to make their loads a little lighter. What can we do to bring a smile?

Sadness on a Sunny Day

2011-04-30T14:22:00.000-07:00

He sent a friend request on Saturday on Facebook, but I didn't find it until yesterday. Email buried under several others. He died on Tuesday. I couldn't breathe, I just couldn't. This is unreal. He was a sweet, gentle man, and I cannot imagine his final days or the fear as he faced his final moments. I am dedicating the following video to him. He sang it for me once.

Too Soon

2011-04-28T19:37:00.000-07:00

Two weeks ago, two classmates died within days of each other and were at the funeral home at the same time. I dressed in my funeral black and paid my respects to both.

Easter Sunday one of my best friends from high school died. He was gone in a blink, and I was unable to say good bye.

This week a friend of mine was murdered by his wife.

In the process of it all, I stop, I grieve, and then I go to soccer practice or work or church or to the store. Every step is a reminder that they are gone, and I will never see them again. Every step reminds me I have miles to go before I sleep, but they are now still.

Every step makes me takes a deep breath of gratitude, and I move forward.

The Roads That Lead to Us

2011-04-20T20:50:00.000-07:00

A few months ago the county decided my neighborhood needed a new bridge. Turns out we were about to fall in the creek. During the time of our bridgeless existence, we had a fake road that was built where the trains once ran. As of yesterday, our bridge is operational, and our fake road now leads nowhere. They took out a section because it was causing flooding issues; however, for a brief time, it was the road that led to us. To me, that makes it important. Thing One captured it for a 4-H photo essay, and it reminds me how sometimes we find beauty in the most unexpected places. What was once so inconvenient is now a refuge. Peace and beauty are present in every turn.

I now must search my heart for the moments I hide. This Easter I must look and acknowledge the fears and pain that has taken up residence in the darkest corners. Open and welcome the tears because I know some of my greatest victories were born from these unguarded moments. Sweep away the cobwebs and embrace the blessings God gives me.

The Simple Cook Strikes Again

2011-04-17T20:34:00.001-07:00

Tonight is the end of my mini-spring break. Due to snow, we only were allowed two days off, and those days were spent landscaping my grandmother's backyard and every day chores that don't seem to get done every day. Yesterday I was able to take Thing One and Thing Two to my cousin's for lunch and a play date with her babies. There are several years between our children, but the Things had a blast with their "baby" cousins, and the baby cousins loved playing with the big kids. We live several hours apart, so days like yesterday are special. I am moving closer to her in a few months, and I really hope we can get together more often.

Today was a lazy day that consisted of our Easter Cantata, two meals cooked, housework, and I finally planted my herbs. Somewhere in there, Thing One and I walked three miles on the temporary road leading to our house. Our bridge is being reworked so we have a fake road where the trains once ran. We basically drive four miles to go one, but the views are amazing.

You may be asking what does this have to do with my cooking or lack of cooking skills. During my too-short-vacation, I purchased my first copy of Cooking School magazine from the Taste of Home, and I am impressed. The recipes are basically idiot proof. This magazine is one I will keep and not recycle. I find many foodie or cooking magazines pretentious, but this one is true to the idea that it can make you a better cook. Each page is filled with one idea after another with helpful hints that even I can do. I also like the fact the magazine is broken down into easy to find categories. I am currently planning a wedding party brunch and Easter dinner, and I am able to find what I need as I need it. Basically, I am impressed. I have already tried several recipes this weekend, and the breakfast pizza was a hit with kids and grandmother (tough crowd) and Provolone Chicken Sandwiches were amazingly easy and yummy. I always expect something good with Taste of Home, and the Cooking School Magazine didn’t let me down. I will be buying the next issue.

http://www.tasteofhome.com/cooking-schools

My Mother's Daughter

2011-04-15T08:43:00.000-07:00

I told a person, who once was in life, I was getting married, and in passing I mentioned the groom's politics which was greeted with a the comment, "Well, I guess you are now just like your mother."
Wait, did I hear sarcasm there? Oh, wait, you aren't giving a compliment, are you? Oh, due to the fact, she doesn't believe the same as you then she must be wrong. You need a villain in your story, and you choose those who don't measure up to your personally developed standards, which have done you wonders. I'm sorry, but it would be honor to be like my mother.

She is brave. She has battled several diseases with courage and grace. No matter how bad things have gotten, she has never felt sorry for herself. She doesn't feel the need to moan and groan about the lot life has given her. Instead, she moves forward to the next day with gratitude.

She is honest. She lives her life in completely honesty, and yes, sometimes, I would rather hear a more peaceful truth, but it is always easier to live in fantasy than in reality. She is a woman of integrity and honor, and she lives her life behind closed doors as she would in the public square.

She is smart. She can talk politics, religion, entertainment, and philosophy, but she doesn't have to hear her own voice to prove to others she is capable.

She is generous and loving. I have seen her give her last fifty to a former student. She has sacrificed time and time again for her family. Even when it hard for her to get up in the morning, she is there for those who need her. For the past eight years, she has supported me as I faced one life changing event after another. Sometimes she may be vocal with her opinion, but her judgement is sound and done with love.

She is my mommy. I will not apologize for being close with her. Even when we don't see eye to eye, I know her love is true. It is with pride I say I am my mother's daughter.

Some of my Favorite Things

2011-04-11T11:30:00.000-07:00

Here are a list of random item that are currently putting a smile on my face:

1. HomeGoods http://www.homegoods.com/index.asp

2. The return of wedges

3. Pedicures

4. My kindle: Here is my latest adventure:http://www.amazon.com/Weird-Sisters-Eleanor-Brown/dp/0399157220

It is the perfect companion to my rereading of Macbeth

5. My soon to be wedding ring

6. Gardening

7. Trying to cook

8. Spring evenings listening to the frogs.

9. Fried pickles

10. Fresh fruits, espcially watermelon

Wedding Planning for Dummies

2011-04-07T16:49:00.000-07:00

So I sit, almost forty, with a few bridal mags and a glazed over look in my eye. This seemed to make more sense fifteen years ago with the first go around. I have all the plans for a church wedding but it seems too formal, too indoors, too I-just-don't know. The details overwhelm me. It is fun to dream, and I maintain the second wedding is more fun than the first due to the freedom of being more sure of self. I know what I like, in other words.

So I sit, almost forty, and throw it all out the window. Well, not all of it because I still like the groom, but the rest is going on hold. Instead I am googling Gatlinburg Weddings. Just us and our kids, in a garden or by a waterfall, sounds blissful to me. A weekend just for us with only us.

To be continued...

Do I...Yes, I Do

2011-04-04T12:54:00.000-07:00

I am engaged. I love him; he loves me. We get along. Our kids get along, and we enjoy each other's company. He is an amazing, loving, generous man, and I am more than blessed to know him, but this isn't about him. It is going back to a question that was asked yesterday, "why do I deserve this?"

I don't think the question was asked in a mean spirit, and it was taken out of context, but my daughter told somebody that I deserved all of this, implying I deserve to be happy. She was asked why. The question honestly confused her, and she didn't completely understand what was being asked. An ex boyfriend was mentioned, and this really confused her. He and I have not dated seriously since the autumn of 2006 (haven't dated anybody seriously for four years), and she couldn't grasp why he was even mentioned. To be fair, I have kept my personal life separate from my mommy life as much as possible, and I am not a serial dater. I cut ties quickly in order to protect our family unit, but yes, I dated A. for many years. He was good to the kids and to me, but he was not meant to be my husband. My daughter even said a few days ago, she knew he wasn't the one; however, does this mean I shouldn't marry P because A was in the picture for a bit? Should I pull away due to the fact others may not approve? Should I discredit my own happiness? The answer is no. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be loved, and I deserve this chance to love.

If I look more closely at the situation, I come to the realization that I never wanted to remarry until this moment. I say that is a God thing. I haven't wasted opportunities on false hopes and fake dreams. I have been caught up in romance a few times, but I do tend to have a realistic approach to life. I praise God for that. I have stayed true to my heart, and that is P. I loved him when I was only twenty-one, and this time around is even sweeter. I deserve this chance.

It won't be perfect, and marriage should not be perfect. It is about forming a bond that should last an eternity, and if that was easy, there wouldn't be divorces. I have been down this road before, and that is another reason why I haven't given my heart. I have sheltered it and tended it's grief (thank you Anne Sexton for the metaphor). Giving it freely is a tremendous step, and I think it takes courage to hold on to something that has the potential to kill you. I admire anybody who has the ability to say "I do" long after the wedding bells stop chiming. I want a future without boundaries. I want love with the imperfections it brings. I want to have hope and faith. I do.

Ch...ch...ch...changes

2011-03-31T12:02:00.000-07:00

I am moving, as I type. All of my belongings are in boxes in the living room. My world is a swirl of chaos that I cannot even comprehend. I hate this part right here. I hate boxes of clothes, papers, and stuff...just stuff. Things that don't really matter, but I cannot bear to even throw away. My memories are torn apart and it will be months before I will find a sense of belonging again. This is just a stepping stone kind of move. Moving to my grandmother's house until this summer when I say I do to another address. I am now a transient.

It was a good opportunity to rid myself of some things, and yes, over fifteen bags and boxes went to Goodwill. Every time I pulled up to the door, I found a sense of renewal. It is a wonderful experience to free yourself from the clutter of the everyday. Now if only I could find the house cleaning fairy to come and do the rest.

Finding Peace in the Small Places

2011-03-22T19:17:00.000-07:00

Hello. My name is Robyn, and I hide in my car. That may be an exaggeration. I am not really hiding, but there is something peaceful about the car. My kids run into the house. The radio is still on, and I am...alone. For one moment, I am silent as a listen to music. I lay my head back and close my eyes. I become heavy into the seat. My body almost becomes liquid, and I melt. Golden. Then I hear a noise. The passenger door is opening, and it is either Thing One or Thing Two, "Are you okay, Mommy? I don't want you to be alone."

I have to smile at the irony. I laugh, kiss the top of the head being presented, and then a nugget of truth is revealed. I don't want to be alone either.

The Hills Are Alive...

2011-03-19T12:36:00.000-07:00

With two girls screaming. My daughter and I went hiking today. I live nestled in the Appalachian Mountains, and there is a cemetery directly behind my house. After that you have nothing but hillside. She and I went straight up the mountain and hiked over to the neighboring community. It was wonderful to see our world from that height. It felt empowering, and then reality came. Going home downhill was fun, but let's say not as much fun. Well, let's say missing the cemetery and veering too far left was not as fun. Finding the hollow, but also finding the steep drop to a creek wasn't as fun. Climbing down and jumping the creek was not as fun, but we did it. Yes, we did it. We walked the short distance back to our house feeling a sense of wonder and pride. We could have whined and complained but we climbed the mountain and came home again without a whimper. A lot like life I dare say. You reach the summit but sometimes you then have to come down. Sometimes you have to jump a hurdle or two to reach solid ground. Sometimes there are briers holding you back, but then you feel the road beneath your feet. It is going to be okay.

And That Has Made All the Difference

2011-03-16T19:57:00.000-07:00

I have a friend who is struggling right now with several different problems all at once, and it is becoming overwhelming, almost to the point of inactivity. Today at work he said worry flooded his soul and for a moment he imagined us as just specks in the universe. None of it mattered in the grand scheme of things. Instead of bringing the peace of epiphany, it made him feel alone and insignificant. Why bother if it all doesn't matter? Thankfully he pulled himself away from the negativity and relaxed in faith. It is important because this is our lives. No, it may not be newsworthy, but our problems matter. We should not have guilt over having bad days. We are not living in ingratitude when we acknowledge our own pain and limitations. Worry is a natural, human emotion. Fear is real. Pain happens. It is how we live and respond to our worries, fears, and pain. Only when we find the truth of our pain can we release ourselves into our faith and live in thanksgiving. It is easier to walk in faith when the world is bright and shiny but acceptance of the dark enlarges our perceptions of what truly matters.

The Road not Taken

Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood
and sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveller, long I stood
and looked down one as far as I could
to where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
and having perhaps the better claim
because it was grassy and wanted wear;
though as for that, the passing there
had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
in leaves no feet had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I --
I took the one less travelled by,
and that has made all the difference

Don't You?

2011-03-10T18:59:00.000-08:00

I very rarely give personal notes in my blog, but after I did a few people wondered if that blog was about them. The answer is no. The blog was dedicated to a shadow from over a decade ago. You can say I had to address something in order to move on, and I am moving on in a glorious fashion. The blog was ambiguous to protect the names of the innocent and not so innocent. In order to laugh over it all, I am now dedicating a song to somebody. No, I don't think you are vain. It is just a song. Enjoy a giggle.

Merry Fat Tuesday to You!

2011-03-08T12:26:00.000-08:00

I love Christmas and the ribbons and lights that go with it, but my truly favorite time of the year is about to begin. I embrace the Lenten Season as a child reaching for a new toy. I anticipate the spiritual growth and renewal of spring. Tomorrow I will go for ashes in hopes of being reborn as the Pheonix.

So where does that leave Fat Tuesday? Partying up? No, no here, except I will take my family to a pancake dinner tonight. I was going to make Po Boys, but sitting around with my granny in a beautiful church sounds more fitting.

I am still trying to figure out what I am giving up tomorrow. Penance anyone? I am focusing on moderation of everything. Less Facebook, less food, less idelness, less television, less talking, more meditation, more quiet, and more listening. I am truly finding a simple life is the best led life, and I want to use Lent as a way of finding a more abundant life bathed in simplicity.

Two Months!

2011-02-24T17:11:00.000-08:00

Yep, it has been two months since my last trip here. I just haven't felt like sitting still for long periods of time and writing. Really, nothing to share. Well, there is but once again, I was just letting it happen instead of writing about what I want to happen. With this in mind, I think I am being more productive and I am happy. I am in love. Gushy kind of love. The kind that makes me giggle at little pink hearts and dream big dreams. The best part is that he loves me. Oh, yeah, I am in love with him at the same time as he is in love with me. I know it happens all the time, but wow, think about that. To be in love at the same time just amazes me. I remember being about six in the front of my mom's car, without a seatbelt (70's) and wondering out loud how hard that must be. She told me it would happen one day to me, and she didn't lie.

Enough about that. I just threw it out to the universe, but there is no need to ram it down your throat. It is what it is.

With that said, here is a new recipe: http://recipes.sparkpeople.com/recipe-detail.asp?recipe=216757

I modified the recipe by using Frank Red Hots because is there really any other kind. No, I think not. It is the sauce that counts, after all. Also, if you are looking for a healthier lifestyle check out sparkpeople.com. All the benefits of other weight loss sites but FREE. Gotta love that.

Now time for something completely different:

A personal message to the one who once knew he that should not be named: Look, I know what happened, and I don't blame you, and I am not looking for confrontation. Yes, many lives were hurt, including two very special people whom I love, but like all good disasters, many factors contributed to the ship sinking. I am not a victim. My life is better than ever, and it took the disaster for me to find true peace and happiness; however, I won't be thanking you anytime soon. It is always a rough road when trust is destroyed, but know, at one time I called you friend, and there lies the rub. Every action has a positive or negative reaction. Many years ago our worlds exploded from said actions, and even today, on peaceful sunny days, vibrations are still felt. Those vibrations will be felt for many of us for several more years to come, but thankfully, we have the grace to move forward instead of going backwards. To directly confront you would be, at least for me, one huge step backwards. So, I just type this to be said and removed from the swirling in my my head. I don't absolve nor do I need to forgive, but I must have my say. I was the only one without a voice and now I am heard.

Happy New Year

2011-01-01T11:17:00.000-08:00

They say what you are doing on New Year's Eve will be what you will do for the rest of the year. Sounds good to me. I was surrounded by friends and laughing. I felt love, joy, and peace. There was excellent food and conversation, and messages from the one who couldn't be there but has my heart. Yes, I can handle that for the rest of the year.

Normally, I hate the new year. It is my least favorite holiday. From Halloween to Christmas, my life is filled with fun, planning, and anticipation, and then...blah. Doesn't help my birthday is in January, so I have a reminder I am a year older. From this bah-humbug approach to the new year I have formed my resolution. No dieting since I have been working on that still from last year. No, I don't smoke. I am focusing instead of finding the good in January, February, March, and well, you get the idea. I plan on prayerfully finding a purpose other than what I see on the surface. I am removing the obstructions that threaten my joy. I am loved by somebody, and I sometimes doubt. I do not doubt him, but I worry and doubt the fact we can actually have a future. I doubt myself. No guarantees in life, but I pessimistically rip apart the peace that should come with the joy of connecting with the twin flame. Sometimes I even doubt I will find happiness with somebody, and that isn't fair to me. I read yesterday that misery is in the anticipation. Basically I anticipate the worse and then I find my misery. You know, we may one day break up. Don't want that, but bad things happen; however, I will look to finding hope in anticipation instead of despair. I will hope for the best, plan for the best, and deal with the worse if it does occur. I will trust myself. I will believe I am worth it this New Year.

May you find peace within yourself this year.

Wiinter Wonderland

2010-12-26T12:34:00.000-08:00

The snow is amazing right now. Huge, fluffy flakes are surrounding me, and I am sitting in wonder of it all. I am not thinking of bad roads; I have no place to go. I am not thinking of anything but this moment, this place, and this time. I am thinking of rich hot chocolate with fresh whipped cream and candy canes. I am thinking of apple, cranberry, and walnut pie for tonight's dessert. I am thinking of my granny's potato soup, and how she makes it perfectly. I am thinking of a blue eyed man who I believe is also thinking of me. I am thinking of going sledding with two children who still believe in the magic of it all. Perfection is here and not within the open packages that still reside under the tree. Today and this one moment will last a lifetime.

Merry Christmas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-12-24T05:46:00.000-08:00

Yes, it can be a season to be stressed, tired, overwhelmed, and all of the above, but for you, I hope it is also a time of blessings, peace, and good will toward men. I wish you all the happiness in the world to you and yours.

I am getting ready to head into the kitchen to prep for my Christmas Eve luncheon. My family gathers here prior to church to watch my kids open their gifts, and I usually just do finger foods: Paula Deen's chicken salad, variety of breads, cheese ball, and sweet and sour meatballs. Dessert will be eggnog pound cake, cookies, cookies, cookies, and a chocolate chip cheese ball.

Here is the link for the chicken salad: http://www.food.com/recipe/paula-deens-pecan-chicken-salad-377918

Can't forget the chocolate cheese ball. This is the first time I have made it, and may I just say wow! I want to thank my friend K. for mentioning it on Facebook, I so have to make it again next weekend for New Year's: http://allrecipes.com//Recipe/chocolate-chip-cheese-ball/Detail.aspx

To my children: I love you, and you are blessings on every level. I believe in you always, and thank you for teaching the truth behind unconditional.
To my love: Well, after seventeen years, we are finally getting it right. I thank God every day for you finding me again. You were my past, you are now my present, and yes, you will be my future.
To my parents: Thank you. You have my back always, and I am very blessed to have been raised by two moral, loving people.
To many of students: It has been a year since you said goodbye to a friend, and I remember him as well. I pray you will find peace.

To one who knows: You can say anything you want, but I will not dwell in the drama that you create.

I will honor Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year. ~Charles Dickens

Country Living's Onion Pie

2010-12-13T14:04:00.000-08:00

Today I began testing a few recipes for our upcoming Christmas party. To be honest, I didn't want to try an onion pie for the first time at the party, and it is a snow day after all. It was either this or catch up on the other 130 things I need to do by this weekend, and food always wins.

I found the recipe in Country Living magazine, and here is the link: http://www.countryliving.com/recipefinder/onion-pie-recipe-clv1210

It doesn't get any easier than this. It only took about ten minutes after the onion were sauteed. It is basically mix, bake, forget. Of course, my Thing Two won't touch it. In fact, as he helped me crack the eggs, he said could not understand why anybody would want to ruin a perfectly good pie by adding onions. Thing One is older and has a more sophisticated taste. She puts ranch dressing on her french fries. She really liked it, but on Saturday, she wants me to add more bacon. My opinion? I like it, and more bacon won't hurt at all. About two more slices. It isn't a main dish with the rather rich flavor but it is a great appetizer. I may even use it again as a side dish. Yes, this is one recipe that will staying in my little red recipe box.

You Know You Are a Scrooge...

2010-12-12T11:19:00.000-08:00

by annonymous:
If your only contact with three spirits on Christmas Eve is gin, vodka and bourbon -- you just might be a Scrooge

If you turn on the lawn sprinklers on Christmas Eve to keep carolers away -- you just might be a Scrooge

If you buy all of your Christmas gifts at a store that also sells gas -- you just might be a Scrooge

If you get your Christmas Tree at a rest stop at night -- you just might be a Scrooge

If you give bathroom fixtures as Christmas gifts -- you just might be a Scrooge

If your favorite Christmas movie is Jurassic Park - you just might be a Scrooge

If your idea of Christmas dinner is a six pack of beer and a cheese log - you just might be a Scrooge

If you think "Ho, Ho, Ho" is a line from a Rocky movie -- you just might be a Scrooge

If your favorite pastime is putting defective bulbs in your neighbors' string of Christmas lights or defacing Christmas lawn characters with eggnog - you just might be a Scrooge

If your only holiday decoration is a rotting pumpkin - you just might be a Scrooge

Snow Day!!!!!!

2010-12-06T11:00:00.000-08:00

The kids and I are home for our first snow day, and I know this will be a pain in May, but for now, this is bliss. The housework is finished, so I have a few hours to just be lazy, and I can really do lazy. In fact, I think I have it down as an art form. I have Christmas music playing, snow falling, and hot chocolate with whipped cream and peppermint. Ahhhhhhh.

Well the kiddies are drinking chocolate, but I have a cup of Russian Tea, and it is my favorite winter time treat. I had an email yesterday asking for the recipe, so I am going to give two. One is for you who prefer to steep your own tea. The other is a mix I make and store in an airtight container.
Russian Spice Tea :

Instant Russian Tea : I use this one, but I did change it a little. I cut back on the tang by 1/8 cup and added 1/8 cup of instant lemonade. I also like to use the mix as last minute gifts during the holiday season. Take a dollar store basket and fix it with a mason jar with pancake mix, assorted syrups, and Russian tea. Yummy.

Apple Puff Pancake and More

2010-12-05T07:36:00.000-08:00

Every other week in the summer, I fix my daughter a puff pancake with fresh berries. I use my cast iron skillet,and we shimmer organic raw sugar over the berries when finished to give it a little extra sweetness, plus I prefer the texture. Well, last night, as the snow fell, I kept coming back to the puff pancake for Sunday breakfast, but alas, no berries. My eyes caught the bag of green apples and the things that make me go mmmmmmmmmm.

Being the good Appalachian girl I am, I always have apples on hand. I have been known to open a can of cooked apples for what we call "fried apples", but my kids and I like it better when I simmer butter, sugar, and green apples. In the winter, I often add cranberries and serve it over pancakes. Well, the question loomed, "How can I mix the two?"

My experiment began like this: Basic Puff Pancake recipe from Betty Crocker's Cookbook for Women, page 42.
2 Tablespoons of butter melted in a glass 9 inch pan
3 eggs or 6 egg whites
1/2 cup of all purpose flour
1/2 cup fat free milk
1/4 tsp. salt

Whisk eggs and then beat in the rest of the ingredients until mixed. I added a sprinkle of vanilla on a whim. Do not over beat. Bake at 400 for 30 minutes.

I took the basic recipe and layered green apples in the batter. Sprinkled sugar and cinnamon on the top.

The results were delicious. The pancake was not too sweet, and the apples were not too soft. This isn't a pie at all. The tartness of the apples was the perfect addition to the batter, and I will be making this again in the future for sure!

My Chicken Taco Soup: Good for the lazy cook, Like Me

2010-12-04T16:27:00.001-08:00

Ingredients:
1 lb. cubed cooked chicken breast
1 packet of taco seasoning
4 cups of low sodium chicken broth
1 cup water
1 can of sweet corn
1 jar of salsa ( I prefer Herdez mild salsa)
1 cup of uncooked elbow macaroni

Bring seasoning, broth, and water to a boil. Add chicken and salsa and reduce heat and simmer for twenty minutes. Add corn and macaroni and simmer for additional ten minutes or until macaroni is tender. Garnish with nacho chips, cheese, and sour cream if you wish.

We are in the midst of our first snow, and this was a big hit with Thing One and Thing Two (my children). I also broke out the bread machine for the first time this winter. Ah, soup, bread, and Russian Tea while watching The Thin Man. A perfect recipe for a snowy Saturday night.

Unless You Are Sookie...

2010-11-08T07:12:00.000-08:00

You cannot read my mind. Nope, it is something you will never manage, and on the plus side, I will never read yours. Wow, that is wonderful. I really have no desire to know what you truly thought about this or that, no more than you should know about my obsession with Tom Brokaw. Ooops, I guess I let that one out of the bag, but doesn't it make sense. I guess if I want to you know about me and what I need, then I will have to let a few things out of the bag.

People everyday scream and shout to be heard, blogs, message boards, Facebook. They crave and desire attention not being found in the reality. Hey, I am not judging; thus, my own blogs, message boards, and Facebook. We all need to be heard, and we all need acceptance. Basic human instinct. My problem is how we get this attention. My feelings were hurt this week because my significant other didn't respond as I wanted. Was he being insensitive or inattentive? No, he just didn't see the significance of it in my own life. He lives three hours from me, and he wasn't there to see how depressed I really was. So, when he didn't call but rather texted a good night, my feelings were hurt, even though I knew he wasn't feeling well himself. I had a great pity party and pouted the rest of the night. Boy, that showed him. Why didn't I text that I needed more? Why didn't I tell him I was hurting? Why didn't I call? Because I assumed he knew and understood. My mistake. He knew I went to a cousin's funeral, and I was sad. He checked on me through the day via texts. He said he wished he could have been with me. He even texted my daughter with support, but he didn't know how much it affected me. He didn't see my tears. I didn't cry to him. He didn't know how much I loved my cousin because I didn't share it. I justified my actions by saying I didn't want to be a bother.
That, my friends, is poppycock. If I expect him to be a partner then I need to let him in completely. I don't need to be angry over imagines wrongs because even though I am worth the bother I shouldn't be arrogant enough to expect more than he can give. Nobody should just sense how I feel. I shouldn't assume how others should act and react to me. That isn't open communication; it is manipulation. It has potential to be toxic. If I choose to mention what I am wanting, and my needs are stil not being then I will need to examin the big picture.
The attitude adjustment needs to shine in all my relationships. To be honest, my tween doesn't have the insight to respond as an adult, and I shouldn't expect her. I need to realisticly look to the people in my life and treat them realistically.
Last night, on chance, we had a rather open discussion on communication. He ex would call him insensitive, but in reality, he was clueless about her expectations. He asked me to tell him when I need to talk and be honest about how I feel so he can gage his own actions. I, in turn, agreed. Maybe, just maybe, he is on to something. Must have read my mind.

The Dance

2010-10-31T17:28:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted in a very long time because, to be honest, I didn't have much to say. Oh, many things were happening, but as Mary in the Bible, I just pondered it in my heart. Sometimes you have to retreat to learn more about yourself. This week brought me out of my hiatus. I have experienced love. I have experienced pain, and I have experienced loss. Tuesday we will bury one of my favorite cousins. He has suffered so long, and it is always difficult to say goodbye, but I have been blessed to know him. Larger than life he was.

garth brooks - the dance
- Watch more Music Videos at Vodpod.

Simply the Best

2010-07-08T09:15:00.000-07:00

Okay, she is happy. Since her husband left her, she has lost weight and is wearing jeans she hasn't had on in five years. Five years ago, they were also separated. Her soon to be ex is wondering why she didn't care during their time together. He is also losing weight. He is feeling better about himself. I did the same when I was separated from my ex. To be honest, I became frumpy during the last few months of our marriage. My entire being was lost within a haze. Why? Why do we get motivated by loss and depression? Why do we become complacent during the times of comfort? Isn't that when we should be at our best?

Now, I am being healthier, and yes, I am doing it for me, but I would be a liar if I said that other people noticing is nothing to me. Wait, let me even try to say that with a straight face...nope, can't do it. If you are looking for false modesty, come back some other time. I like positive attention. In receiving this positive attention, I have done some reflection, and I noticed a simple fact about myself; I am at my best when surrounded by healthy relationships. Boy, that was ground breaking. When I am with happy, healthy people, I want to be happy and healthy. I want to be my best for those I love. The question is why do we slack with time? Is it because we develop the attitudes of "I have my man" or "love me for who I am"? Yes, we need unconditional love as is, but did I hide behind it as an excuse? Is it we forget to challenge ourselves when other people are demanding our time and effort. When do we stop loving ourselves in trying to love others? How can we keep this happening? I wish I knew.

I just know that there have been people unworthy of my best, and that wasn't their fault or mine. I just invested too much time in the lost. I am now taking care of myself for me and my children, and yes, we are worthy. If and when I fall in love, it will be with somebody who is worthy, AND I will give that person my best because we both deserve it. If a relationship brings me down, then that is not the healthy relationship I am needing. This extends to lovers, friends, and community. I deserve to be me at full speed.

Can I?

2010-06-20T19:39:00.000-07:00

“We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone - but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy” ~~Walter Anderson

To love, to relate, to understand, we have to remove boundaries and become vulnerable. The question is how do we do that once the boundaries had been set in stone. Who has the strength to even begin to knock them down? Who has the nerve? Who has the patience? We are often so caught up in our own crap that we forget to see what is real. Then in moments of reflection we stop and realize "oh yeah". We make bad decisions for all the wrong reason, being easily distracted by our own hang-ups, but we are constantly searching for what is concrete. Then when our lives move from the abstract to the concrete, we feel like Alice tumbling through the rabbit hole. We struggle to comprehend our surroundings. We can accept the falsehoods of the life we desire more easily than the truths of our reality. We put the joker on a pedestal, expecting a show; yet, we are shocked when he fails to perform to our expectations. The reality is sharper and more painful, and with that we begin to applaud the imaginary because it is safer.

Safer is not always reliable. It is what it is, and then life becomes predictable and shallow. People cannot fit into our prefabricated designs. So, with that in mind, I pick up the sledgehammer and swing.

Just the Normal Sunday Update or Is it?

2010-06-13T07:41:00.000-07:00

Wow, what a week! It was a summer blockbuster within itself with the good, the bad, and yes, even the ugly. First of all, my poor Thing Two fell during his school picnic and is beginning the summer with a broken arm. As my mother said, we are just surprised it hasn't happened before now. He is an extremely active child who has been taking evening runs since he was ten months. He rolled across my living room at four months and crawled at six. He is taking pretty well to the cast, and it hasn't slowed his video game playing at all.
Yesterday, his sister went to a sleepover, so he and I had the entire day with just the two of us. We went out for pizza and then to The Prince of Persia. I am not a video game purist so I really enjoyed the movie. Just a perfect, popcorn munching, adventure flick for a stormy Saturday. We then came home and Thing One watched the original Clash of the Titans. The stop action monsters bugged him more than the current use of CGI. His reasoning makes sense to me: they look like the monsters in HIS head. He loved it though because, at the moment, he is all things Greek mythology.
As of WW, I haven't followed it closely this week with the finals, graduation, and Thing One's arm in a sling, but I haven't gained. In fact, the blouse I wore to graduation hasn't been worn in months. It was the first time I have worn it without a jacket. Motivation to do better this week, but I have something tempting sitting on my counter, a KitchenAid mixer. Wow, it sure is purdy...and free. A very, very dear friend gave it to me since his mother has two. I used it today to knead my biscuit dough, and Thing Two and I just played with the features. I am now dreaming of the pasta attachment. I don't know what I am having for dinner tonight, but something will be mixed.
Oh, and I cannot forget this week brings two of my summer pleasures, True Blood and the World Cup!!!!!!

WW Update

2010-06-06T05:35:00.000-07:00

Several years ago, I was a health freak. I very rarely ate meat and worked out every day I could. I drank plenty of water and felt really mentally and physically. What happened? I got married. No, I am not blaming him and our marriage, however, we were low on cash and time. Also, he liked meat, and I wanted to make meals to please him. We also discovered when we had cash, there were places called restaurants that would cater to our every desire. I still could have made wise food decisions, but I didn't. Finally, after fourteen years, I have now decided it is time for me to eat like a grown-up. In other words, if I want to dodge the diabetes bullet, I need to take responsibility for what I eat. Yes, it is easier to reach for the burger, but being a grown-up isn't always easy.

Well, I am now two weeks into the program, and I am liking the results and the freedom. I had pizza Friday night with my family. I had real food, and I still balanced my life with the plan. As of 8 AM this morning, I am down 7.7 lbs. I lost two just this week. My biggest problem is trying to drink the recommended water. If I am not thirsty, I don't do it. The greatest accomplishment is my renewed desire to work out. I am truly enjoying my 5K walks. I seriously thought of joining a friend in the couch to 5K running challenge, but I have a bad knee. The doctor told me at twenty-two not to run due to the deterioration of the knee, and I cannot forget it. I have no desire to end up needing a replacement years before I should.

I also want to congratulate somebody I love for joining WW with me. We can do this together, I promise. I am cheering you on, 110%

Memorial Day

2010-05-31T05:17:00.000-07:00

I am not cooking out today. My grill was damaged this winter, and the one I had at my mom's washed away. Oh, well, it doesn't really bother me. I have had a very nice relaxing weekend with reading, sleep, friends, movies,and reflection. There is also potential, but that is for another day. Yes, it has been very nice indeed, and I have forgotten how much I love summer nights.

With the joys of summer creeping up on me, it would be easy to forget what this day is. It is a day of remembrance. In Appalachian, we also take this weekend to remember our loved ones who are no longer here. It is our "Decoration Day". We travel to different cemeteries, clean graves, and redo flower memorials. I am not financially able to decorate the graves of my extended family, but I know the old, country cemeteries like the back of my hand. I know the stories of those who now rest there, and I tell my children about these people. One day I will be a memory, and I don't want them to forget how they got here in the first place. To know our heritage, we often find ourselves. I walk like my great-grandmother who died in 1957. I laugh like my other great-grandmother who died the year I was born. My son has the eyes of my great-grandfather who died in a mining accident in the 20s. It is a privilege to have this information, and I think I am very lucky to have met them in the memories of others.

My great-grandmother told my father it rained on Memorial Day because the angels were crying. I think they grieve for those who have nobody to grieve for them.

Weight Watching

2010-05-23T07:04:00.000-07:00

I have a confession: I am at my heaviest weight ever without being pregnant. How? Why? I am not using food as a security blanket; I like to eat. I love cheese. I love fried foods. I like eating out when I can. I am also not twenty-one anymore, and the cheese, fried foods, and fast foods are catching up with me. This year I have also taken care of everybody but me. I am hoping this summer will bring some changes. I will be forty in eighteen months, and I don't want to enter that decade with excess weight and feeling dowdy. I don't want the health problems that seem to come with my family name. I want to be a positive example for my daughter. Eat to be healthy and don't obsess with weight. I have always wanted to show her that beauty is there no matter the size. We need to celebrate the inner beauty, but my body is my temple. We should celebrate ourselves. We owe it to ourselves to be our best. I am NOT talking about being skinny. I am talking about being able to run, play, jump, and embrace the lives we should have. I have a young spirit, and it is time for it to shine.

Well, with that in mind I joined Weight Watchers Online. I did it once before after my Thing Two was born, and I did well. I have been using Sparkpeople, and I love it because it has all the tools and it is free, but I am not very disciplined with the spark. I am actually sparkless. I think it is due to the fact it is free. I don't feel the urgency to use it. I am hoping that my mother's sensible genes will remind me that if I am paying for WW, then I should use it. If I can be more disciplined then I may go back to the Spark. It is a great site, and you need to check it out.

Yep, yesterday I drove past Tudor's Biscuit World. We had two soccer games, three hours apart in two different counties. We had to eat on the run, and Tudor's has a strong pull. I kept on driving though and went to Subway for their new breakfast menu. I am also down three pounds.

Calypso Shrimp: For Those of Us Who Don't Cook That Often

2010-05-20T15:52:00.000-07:00

I was going to make the recipe from The Cookbook for Women, but I forgot to do something...the orange marinade. Yep, I had marinade less shrimp, sigh. Well, don't fear, I still managed to cook a 25 minute shrimp dinner that pleased two members of our household. Thing Two is not a shrimp person and preferred fish sticks with his green beans.

Calypso Shrimp For Those of Us Who Don't Cook Often:

Saute shrimp with a tablespoon of olive oil, fresh peppercorn, sea salt and clove of garlic.

Take one can of black beans and drain. Mix well with fresh pico de gallo. I didn't make mine from scratch. I bought the Marketside brand from Walmart, and it is delicious. I tossed it together with the shrimp and then served everything over brown rice. I am thinking of using wheat tortillas in the future.

I want to also recommend the Cookbook for Women. The recipes I have tried are wonderful and appealing. The instructions are easy to follow, and the pictures will draw you in. It my current favorite cookbook, but it goes beyond food. It inspires lifestyle changes for women of any age. It is the perfect reference book for any woman from 20 to 99.

Cranberry-Apple Chicken

2010-05-18T15:37:00.000-07:00

So, so simple, and every person in my house ate without complaint:

1 lb. chicken breast pounded to desired tenderness
1 can of sugar free apple pie filling
1 box of chicken stuffing mix
large handful of dried cranberries

Preheat oven to 350.
Fix box of stuffing as directed and add cranberries in the last step. Stovetop makes a cranberry flavor, but I prefer to adjust to our tastes.
While the stuffing sits, lightly brown chicken for about two minutes on each side.
Layer a baking pan with the apples, add the chicken, and then the stuffing.

Back covered with foil for 25 minutes, remove cover and bake an additional 5 minutes.

Quick, super simple, and delicious. Pork loin may be substituted for the chicken.

My daughter mocked me for making a weekly menu. She checks it and laughs about how we can't eat this or that because it isn't listed. Yeah, yeah, but she sure didn't mind as she ate this dish. She may think I am being silly, but making a weekly menu has really saved time and money. The night before a grocery trip I make an excel spreadsheet of daily meals, ingredients needed, and the cookbooks being used. Nothing is set in stone and anything can be adapted. I switch days or switch ingredients as needed. Now, I have already mentioned it is saving time and money, but it is also making for more creative and fun meals. It hasn't been the usual spaghetti every few days. I know millions of men and women do this every week, but I am now an official believer. I will let you know how Thursday's Calypso Shrimp with black bean salsa turns out.

Spa Day

2010-05-02T10:30:00.000-07:00

There is something about late spring and early summer that makes me want to reconnect with myself. Be more, do more, live more. I emerged from my winter cocoon and spread my wings for flight. I look east to the waters of the Atlantic to relax my body and mind. I look over the mountains and creeks for adventure and family. I look to fields for healthier foods to fuel myself. I soar.

I Ran Away...

2010-04-19T08:11:00.000-07:00

I had a spring break. No, there will be no videos of Robyn Gone Wild...or least I hope not. It really wasn't that kind of weekend, but it was one of relaxing and remembering that I am still me. I haven't lost me. I am still here dancing and swirling in my muchness. It is amazing how amazing food, amazing friends, and amazing weather can make you feel more like yourself.

Sad Day in West Virginia

2010-04-10T08:36:00.000-07:00

The other four miners were found dead. The Governor said they had not received the miracle they were hoping for. God be with their families and friends as they try to make sense of this tragedy. Yes, every thing happens for a reason, but sometimes it it difficult to see what that reason may be.

Good-night! good-night! as we so oft have said
Beneath this roof at midnight, in the days
That are no more, and shall no more return.
Thou hast but taken up thy lamp and gone to bed;
I stay a little longer, as one stays
To cover up the embers that still burn.
~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

With a Heavy Heart...

2010-04-06T17:50:00.000-07:00

Today somebody posted on Facebook that mining isn't a job but rather a generational way of life. So true. I live less an hour from the mining tragedy, and it is a reminder that a second, one second, can change everything. My family is no longer underground, but the coal dust is still in my blood. Today I have been remembering those from decades past.

My papaw was born in 1916. Two years later, Paul's older sister, brother, and grandfather died from the Spanish Flu. He grew up at the head of a hollow as the spoiled baby of the family, and he even earned the nickname "Baby Paul". One thing Baby Paul loved to do was to bring his Daddy his lunch bucket. He walked to the mines, playing along the way, but one second in 1925 changed everything. There had been a mine explosion, and it caused the mine's roof to collapse on my great grandfather, crushing him. As the young boy approached, he saw the emergency crews,and a man came up and said, "Go tell you mother. Your Pa is dead."

My great grandmother found him on the porch crying.

My great grandparents had a wonderful love story. She had been engaged to a teacher, but she broke up with him when she saw the striking man coming over the hill on a horse. He had long "yellar" hair and deep blue eyes. She never loved another man. My daddy was her favorite grandchild, and my daddy has those deep, blue eyes. My son does as well. They are blue as the sky and can see through your soul. They also share a common name. Yes, even though 84 years have passed since that day, as long as I breathe, his story will be told.

The debate over mining will go on, but people sometimes forget that there is more. Our communities survive on this paradoxical industry and the miners who go underground daily. They are fully aware of the dangers, but they have families who depend on them. They go deep into the dark, just like my great grandfather, my grandfather, and for a brief time, my father. My prayers are with all women who have packed their buckets. My prayers are with the children who stay at the windows, waiting. My prayers are with the community who lost so many. My heart is deep in the mountains, and I hope and pray we never see anything like this again.

Happy Easter

2010-04-04T07:07:00.000-07:00

This morning I found myself queasy from a bout of food poisoning, so instead of going to Sunrise services, I stayed in bed. I still felt the anticipation of new birth and new life. I swear I could fill the energy move through my veins. The sun peeped over the hills and filled the valleys. The birds woke up with a glorious song, and their voices filled the air. It was an amazing moment of renewal.

Happy Easter to you and yours, and even if you aren't a believer, go out today and embrace this miracle of spring. Awake to the beauty around you and allow it to nurture your soul.

Spring? When Did You Get Here?

2010-03-30T06:51:00.000-07:00

I have snowmen up in my house. I didn't even notice. I haven't been home much lately due to family illnesses, and I just turned a blind eye to my own surroundings. I don't have anything up with a bunny or egg. Well, to be honest, since we the snow slammed us constantly for so many months, I almost am afraid to put up anything up for the change of seasons. I don't want to jinx it. Oh, well. Maybe today is the day to recognize that changes must be made.

So tired...

2010-03-27T05:44:00.000-07:00

1. Of my state messing with my health insurance. Come 2011, I may not be able to take my children to the doctor, and then I get an email from my state rep. saying sacrifices have to be made for the greater good. Yeah, and if you take away my co-pays as a state employee, I may be sacrificing my vote for you for the greater good.

2. Mistresses. It seems that mistresses are getting all the glory in the press, and our infatuation with these women is wrong. They are being rewarded for their behavior. The man is at fault. No denial there, BUT it takes two. The mistresses were full aware the men were married. No shock there, but they continued with the affairs for their own personal gain. Now, the media flocks to them. On a personal note, I am tired of seeing this at a local level as well. Just this week I saw a girlfriend rub her victory into the face of the wife in a humiliating online forum. Why? Where is there victory when children and family are involved involved? Karma, sweetie, karma.

3. of being overwhelmed. The spring has burst upon me, and I feel like Alice tumbling through the rabbit hole, except there is no Johnny Depp on the other side. Oh, well, that is life, and it happens. Everybody falls through the hole, it is how we handle Wonderland that makes the difference.

4. Bullies. I HATE bullies. My daughter dealt with one this week beautifully. The boy was spreading lies because she wouldn't "date" him. They are eleven. She went to the guidance office, asked for advice, and the guidance councilor handled it on a school level. Thing Two then handled it on a personal level, and hopefully, the situation is now a memory. I am proud how she stood up for herself and her friends, but it is a shame she had to do it at such a young age. I remember though. Kids are cruel. Then they sit across from you at a reunion planning committee meeting and act like your best friend. Once again, Karma.

5. of people who back up without looking. I know, sometimes it is hard to see in a parking lot, but this wasn't the case in my situation. Thank goodness I noticed the break lights going off and moved. Also, I live close to an intersection where "right on red" is allowed, but some believe I should stop at my green light to allow them their "right". No, babe, that isn't how it works. Sometimes I wish I had a monster truck...bahahahahaha.

Okay, the negative is being released. I am shaking it off and letting it go. My next post will be a lot more positive.

OMG

2010-03-19T16:43:00.000-07:00

I was at a hospital today for over 12 hours as my grandmother had her heart cath. I was the only person in my family to be there, and this may very well be the defining moment of my adulthood. We did this alone and scared, but she and I did it. She is now home resting, and I am with you.

Now, this was not my OMG moment. Nope. OMG came this afternoon in the hospital waiting room. The room is plush with big, comfy couches and a flat screen television. There is even a patio 6 stories up that allowed me to enjoy some of the sun while Gran slept. After the 6 stories rush of wind hit, I went inside, plopped down on a sofa and began to watch CSI. I noticed a young man come in about 14. No big deal. I got the remote, turned the screen to March Madness and dozed a for a few before heading down the hall. I checked on Gran and then decided to go to the grill and pick up a milkshake for her. As I stepped on the elevator, I notice the boy walk by, and then, just as the doors began to close, a paper airplane crashed into the elevator. It was a note to the "Lady in Black". Oh, how sweet, right? NO. That kid has a dirty mind, but I guess he figured this was his chance with an older woman who appreciated college ball.

Needless to say, I said no.

So I Had a Bad Day

2010-03-09T18:11:00.000-08:00

No biggie, but I am truly fighting the pity party. I feel drained. I am emotionally, mentally, and spiritually spent. I am thankful for so many things, and due to this, I feel guilty for my party of one. I just think the stress of the past month is finally catching up with me. I have been the "Pollyanna". I am the upbeat, all will be well persona, and now that the sun is shining again, I feel like falling apart. I just want to hunker down and cry. I am almost creating situations so I can just wail one out. I am in a fighter's stance looking for a battle deep down I don't want to fight. I just want to wake up and feel secure that the day will bring something positive.

The second thing is that somebody who I had hoped would be more of an emotional support proved, once again, that I cannot depend on him. I have wonderful friends who have really provided the support I needed, but my female readers should understand the desire for more. This is a good thing though. I finally think I am emotionally ready for more. Okay, this has been said before, but I may mean it this time. I now understand what I do need in my life. I have trust issues. I often do not feel worthy of good things, and I know I allow this to affect my relationships. I pick those who will not ask for a long term commitment from me. Not good, but it did allow me to become comfortable in my singleness. I have also learned that being alone is better than being miserable. I did not settle for something I really didn't want. This eye opening lesson did bring something good. It led to a date. Yes, you read it here first; I had a date with a dear, sweet friend who I have crushed on for sixteen years. We do not live close to each other, but the planets aligned. Even though, that one date may be it, I was out there. I willingly spent time with an adult male who isn't a family member. As the old Christmas cartoon once sang, I put one foot in front of the other.

Just Another Day

2010-03-03T07:32:00.000-08:00

I couldn't go to Lexington with my mother for her surgery because of my grandmother's illness. I also didn't want the kids to miss three days of school. However, with all of this going on, I am now officially in charge of three households. I am to get the mail, take care of the pets, and feed the birds. My mother's house cat eats better than most people I know. I have to admit, I am stressed. I figured this out when I found a peanut butter egg in my hand with no memory on how it got there. I am your classic stress eater, and I hope to get past it tonight with my first zumba class. Maybe if I move and groove I won't stand over the kitchen sink with some goody in my hand.

I also want to take a moment and thank many of you for your comments and emails. It has really helped me survive the past few weeks. I even had a coworker yesterday to listen to Thing Two's reading homework for me yesterday so I could finish up on paperwork. It was only fifteen minutes, but it lifted a bit of urgency from my evening. Thank you, G., for your strength, love, and especially your support. I want to thank my pal, C., for her magical ability to make me laugh when I want to cry. R., even though your life is upside now, you have been my rock. Thank you. In case P. ever finds this part of me, thanks for just knowing what to say. Makes up for the times when you didn't :)

When There Is Time for Love, I Want to Be There

2010-02-28T17:56:00.000-08:00

For men who have ever uttered "I wish I could be there to help some way" or "IF you ever need me...", listen carefully to these words of advice. Find a way. Be there. Show up. Do something completely unselfish for the one whom you claim to love. False words and unfulfilled promises will always be remembered, and so will sincere words, a held hand,and the comfortable silence that follows.

Update...again

2010-02-27T19:58:00.000-08:00

Pacemaker is in, and my grandmother is doing some better already. Today was very good with our family gathering around the table and talking all at once. We still have many uphill walks to make, but tonight was truly a blessing.

Spring is Just Around the Corner

2010-02-21T14:44:00.000-08:00

Even though we may have rain tonight, and snow and really cold temps are in the forecast, today has been wonderful. The sun was shining, and the kids have been walking, climbing, jumping, and playing outside for the past several hours. I was even able to finally clean up my yard and get rid of the winter yucks. I am thinking of trying my hand at a vegetable garden, but I am not exactly gifted with a green thumb. I am willing to try though, and I swear, one day, I will grow pumpkins. I had beautiful vines a few years ago, but my grass cutter put the end to those dreams. There is always this year.

There is something about putting down roots and watching things grow. Even though I do not want to buy a house right now (commitment phobias), I do have an idea of what I want in a dream home:

http://www.dreamhomesource.com/country_house-plans_DHSW65569.hwx

I found this a few days ago and fell in love. It has everything I have ever wanted in a home. Now, I just need to fall in love with a carpenter and maybe hit the lottery.

Update

2010-02-18T20:08:00.001-08:00

The doctor told my mother that she didn't have the worse cancer to have, and this type, if caught early, has a very high survival right. She will have surgery in two weeks. He also told her that to remember that even with this good news, this is still cancer. So, good news and a reality check, and we are very thankful for both.

Out of Rhythm

2010-02-17T12:36:00.000-08:00

I have so many snow days now I cannot even remember my former life as an educator. I almost dread going back now because I feel detached from everything. It feels like summer vacation in the Arctic Circle.

Tomorrow we are taking my mother to the University of Kentucky's Markey Cancer Center to see the progression of her disease. I have faith there will be a positive post about the outcome of that visit.

Speaking of faith, today begins Lent. I hope if you stumble on this blog and you are searching for something to believe in, you find it. I hope you find whatever proves to you that you are important, and you are part of something bigger than yourself. Whatever journey you choose, may it bring it peace and acceptance.

Sometimes I'm Just a Damsel in Distressed Jeans

2010-02-15T14:04:00.000-08:00

I haven't been myself for the last two weeks, and it is a combination of family illnesses, work, and February blahs. I really, really do hate this month, and sometimes I just want to sleep through it. I have shared my feelings with a few friends, and I now have one male friend who thinks he can save me. He wants to protect me from the nastiness of life. He wants me to share with him.

I can't. There is nothing more to share. I have no desire to wax poetic about my woes because the truth has already been said. I am sad. I have family members who are sick. There. Then I get an email that says, "Talk to me."

I thought I had.

I am needing friends right now. I am thankful to have a friend who wants more, but I have nothing enlightening to say, and the constant "knight in shining armor" routine doesn't blend well with my chemical makeup. Never has. With our history, he should know that already. I am a woman who has fallen in the knight's arms before, and tragedy brings infatuation and not true, lasting love. Knights live the role of the savior, and the damsel feels weak and guilty. After a while, they resent the fact the other person cannot maintain the character.

All humans need help now and then. We should be able to ask for it without obligation. We should help without making the other person feel less than what they are. I don't need to be held yet, and the constant reminder of it being possible doesn't allow me to feel fully connected with my reality. I just want to be blue. The beautiful words of physical comfort seem more like a ballad for a stranger instead of my daily existence.

Talk to me about movies and books. When I think I have something to say, I will and don't force it. Don't force me to be the damsel. It is not a costume that fits me. Allow me to be the emotional wreck because nobody can fix grief, and my grief is from the pain of my loved ones. I can't fix theirs, and you can't fix mine. We just have to experience it. Instead of trying to "fix" it, just nod with understanding and let me rage if I need it. Let me cry. Let me laugh. Just let me be me.

BUT if I am ever tied up to a post with a dragon coming, I know who to call. The same goes for you. When the dragon comes for you, holler. I will be there because I have your back. I may not be able to slay it, but wow, we will have one heck of a story.

Current Mood

2010-02-10T16:02:00.001-08:00

Honesty with the C-word

2010-02-09T20:47:00.000-08:00

My son is the only one who is willing to say it out loud. Cancer. There, I wrote it. I am looking at it, and there it is. Cancer. My mother has cancer. The cancer is not rare, and it has a high survival rate. She is most likely in stage one. Cancer. Even with all the positives, it is still ugly. It is still harsh. It is still not right. This is my mommy, and my mommy has cancer.

Tonight my son walked in and said, "Mom-mom, we need to talk."

She put down her book and asked, "About what?"

"Well, duh, cancer."

Finally, there is the white elephant in the room, and Thing Two is the only one not ignoring it. Stepping around it isn't going to make it better.

He also told her later in the evening she shouldn't take out the trash because she has cancer. Did he offer to take it out for her? No, but it is the thought that counts.

Today

2010-02-08T19:18:00.000-08:00

My family received bad news. My mother is sick, and even though the doctors are positive, hearing it, knowing it has taken us the wind out of all of us. The C-word, the real ugly one, is a shock. I keep saying it over and over in mind so I can get use to it. I cannot even imagine what she is thinking. I know today has moved in slow motion for her, and she is restless; yet, when I left her this evening, she was cooking dinner for my dad. She was doing what she has done for the past forty-two years. This is one reason why I love my mommy. She has an amazing strength that I think skipped me. She is solid and self-reliant. I want to be just like her when I grow up.

Five Liberating Facts

2010-01-27T09:21:00.000-08:00

1. I hate peas. Please stop trying to make me eat them. No matter how hard you try, I just don't like green, smooshy things. Not now, not ever. Even as a baby I spit them back, and I am not that much different now.

2. I don't like her. There, it is out to the universe. I know she is smart, quirky, and funny, but she betrayed me. Her actions hurt not only me but also my children. I can forgive, but that doesn't mean I have to like her. No soul searching on this one and nothing profound to say. I don't think I hate her because that emotion is just too powerful to throw around wildly, but yeah, I am heavy on the dislike.

3. I don't want a pet. I love kittens and puppies. I love to play with kittens and puppies, and I seem to be running a half-way house for strays, but I don't want to be a full time pet owner. I don't want the smells, messes, and responsibilities that come with fur or scale. I just don't have time for it. Maybe one day but not now.

4. I really do try to eat healthy. I want to live by example. I drink water. I watch for sugar and hidden chemicals. I buy organic milks and cheeses, but deep down, the only thing I want is a cheeseburger. No, not a turkey or veggie burger with cheese. I do that 90% of the time. I am talking about a heart attack between two buns with lettuce, tomato, ketchup, and mayo...real mayo. Sometimes I just want REAL bacon and not turkey or tofu. Sometimes I just want REAL white bread with the bacon or grilled cheese. Oh, and please get the real cheese and not cheese product.

5. I thought I didn't but I do.

I Hope They Stay True

2010-01-15T21:41:00.000-08:00

Shakespeare once wrote "to thy own self be true", and I quote it often in my classroom. I do not want students parroting my thoughts and fancies. I want them to discover the world for themselves. Think outside the box and dare to be different. I have marched to my own drummer, and I have found that my most unhappy moments in life have been from trying to "fit" into some preconceived concept of what I should be. So many times I have tried to be "more" of what I thought people wanted. I am ashamed to admit this, but I have even tried to change myself for a man. I know. How stupid was that! It didn't result in the hilarity of The Ugly Truth; instead, I lost a bit of my soul as well as my heart. That was a moment of pure, ugly truth, and I vowed never again. Life should be experienced as an original and not a poor, blurred copy of what may be.

Thing One's stepmother, grandmother, and I have been making a collective effort to show her that it is okay to just be Thing One. She plays soccer because she loves it. She loves being strong. She loves being smart. She loves being herself, and I hope and pray every day she stays on this path. She is more self-aware than most adults I know, and it would be a tragedy for her to ever mistrust her instincts. Women are often afraid to be themselves in a world of quick fixes and plastics. Nothing scarier than removing our masks and revealing our true selves, flaws and all. We have all fallen victim to the propaganda of it at some point, but it is up to us to either sink or swim. As of right now, Thing One is swimming. This leads me to another of my favorite quotes, "keep on swimming" from Finding Nemo.

Oh, and here are two statements from my kids this week:

1. Thing One stayed up with me one night to watch a movie, and a "Girls Gone Wild" commercial came on, and she became incensed. She couldn't believe that women would act that way for attention. Her exact words were, "Can't they see how demeaning this is to women? If an eleven year can figure it out why can't college kids?"

Excellent point, Grasshopper, and I hope you remember this when you are nineteen.

2. Thing Two cannot be left out. He just got out of bed and ran in while I was typing and began to rant about how stupid Romeo and Juliet are, and that Shakespeare got it wrong. He said, "Suicide isn't romantic."
He watched The Suite Life of Zach and Cody before bed, and they mentioned the play, and the poor thing was bothered by it. After he had his say, he gave me another kiss and went straight to bed. I am impressed, and maybe this week we will read Hamlet for a bedtime story.

Reality My Aunt Fanny

2010-01-12T09:17:00.000-08:00

http://tvwatch.people.com/2010/01/12/jakes-bachelor-blog-being-cheated-on-sucks/

I am not to gossip, but...

Okay, this link is one reason The Bachelor gets on my nerves, and I can never make it through a full season. First of all, the women always come across as desperate, and that reminds me too much of high school. Second, it just seems gross. Finally, the hubris of the chosen one is a turn off. This is just me though. Considering I am basically a twelve year old boy trapped in the body of a thirty-cough year old woman, this doesn't appeal to me. I really don't want to appear condescending, I just prefer Ghost Hunters. My girlfriends usually love the drama, and even my grandmother is a huge fan. She very rarely misses a season. I think though the latest scandal may be too much for her.

A contestant developed a relationship with a producer. She was sent home, and he was fired. Then according to people.com, the man who is dating fifteen women complains "being cheated on sucks". Uh, do you think? Try it when you are actually vested into the relationship. No picnic. The best part is according to RealitySteve, the whole scandal was created by the show to get rid of the contestant because she was unhappy with some unfulfilled promises given to her by the production team. Now, this is getting interesting. Do you mean that sometimes thoughts and actions are manipulated on reality television? Who-hoo, but I think the drama behind the scenes may be more interesting than the show itself. Somebody pop the corn.

More of the Same

2010-01-11T09:46:00.000-08:00

My hillside is completely covered. The main highway looks clear, my hollow looks icy, but my hill is horrid. My neighbor's SUV is firmly planted at the bottom, and they are walking up and down. I am hoping that my landlord plows it again before Wednesday, but they are expecting several more inches tonight. Okay, I know some you Northerners are shaking your heads. This is spring time in Minnesota, but my community doesn't handle snow well at all, and we are not use to the constant snow and cold. I live in rural Appalachia, and our hills and hollows isolate us not only from the rest of the world but also each other. Oh, well. It isn't all bad. After the hustle and bustle of the holidays, we are just vegging. Imaginations are being used. Games are being played, and books are being read. I think I could really be a hermit.

At least I can catch up on my reading. I am going further into the Southern Vampire Mysteries. I love True Blood, but I really do enjoy the books more. Two completely different entities, and perfect escapism. My daughter can keep the shimmer. I will take the Viking.

Starting Six Word Saturday Again: I have missed it.

2010-01-09T08:30:00.000-08:00

Snow covers our road. I'm stuck.

Another Snow Day Update

2010-01-08T11:09:00.000-08:00

1. Julie and Julia is a delightful film. I wonder if my generation still says "delightful". Well, the movie is good, and it is cute, but it fails to grab the complexities of the novel. No, it isn't the most profound biography, but the movie doesn't really grasp her insecurities and desires and messes. Plus, it doesn't really show the deliciousness of it all. Julie is far, far, far from perfect, and that is why I loved the book. The movie just makes her imperfections look cute and perky. Even with that, I still liked it. Perfect to watch under a blanket with a hot cup of coffee.

2. After watching a movie about food, I was hungry. I had the ingredients for pizza, but that seemed boring after watching Julie work her way through French cuisine. What I really wanted was a greasy pizza roll from the local BP. Yep, gas station food is the best. Instead I took Pillsbury pizza crust and lined it with mozzarella cheese, pepperoni, ham, and a few spoon fills of pizza sauce. I folded it like a pumpkin roll, brushed it with butter, and sprinkled it with garlic powder. It wasn't a BP miracle, but it was soooooo good. Junk food sometimes makes the best meals.

3. I live close to nature. Last February, I heard a knock on my bedroom window and saw five deer in my yard with one being a little two personal. I never knew Bambi was a voyeur. I have also seen opossum, bob cat, raccoon, snakes, field mice, and yes, we had bear tracks last summer. My grandmother's favorite part of nature are birds. She loves them, and ever knick knack in her house concerns something with feathers. I often stand in her dining room mesmerized by the collection of birds that now reside in her trees because of her various feeders. Well, I will never garden like her. I will never cook like her, so I went and bought my first feeder. How have I lived these many years without a bird feeder? My son and I are now officially in love with bird watching. We have a lovely (do we still use that word) variety of birds outside our kitchen window. Cardinals are our favorite, but even though Blue Jays are the most gorgeous of all, they are evil, mean birds. Pretty creatures get by with more.

Enjoy your day, and please stay warm.

My Latest Cooking Obsession

2010-01-07T10:24:00.000-08:00

I began to keep house thirteen years ago, and I became a functional cook. I made okay meals for survival. After a few years, I became what I call a frantic cook. My ex worked 5 AM to 2 PM, and then I worked 3 PM to 1 AM, and there was a one hour window for a family meal. I basically cooked glorified lunches. Nothing complex but once again the food was functional and practical. The ironic thing was I collect cookbooks, and I had them at my fingertips, but I never went outside my comfort zone until about four years ago. I dated a man who is an excellent, professional cook, and he gave me a desire to create. Well, then came along Food Network, and an obsession was born. Do I now cook every day? Heck, no. My mother keeps my children until I get off work, and I love it when I go to her house, and dinner is on the table just waiting for me. Do I always pick complex, flavor rich meals? Nope. Do you? Sometimes function and speed is better than anything. I also have an eight year boy who doesn't like to think outside the box. He prefers chicken and well, chicken. No matter what happens at my house, I have yet to see anything as bad as this:

This show fascinates me to no end, and I sat spellbound with the first episode. My children sat spellbound. People who cannot even open a can of soup are expected to become restaurant chefs. I really feel for them because most of them just have a strong desire to please. The professional chefs come across as rather arrogant and superior but yeah, this is "reality" television, and that is part of it; however, It makes me want to pull for Team Red. Chef Beau MacMillan looked like the bigger jerk of the two, and it seemed he would rather belittle instead of actual teaching.

My personal favorite didn't even make it to the final cut. Sauvion boiled an entire chicken and topped it with cheese. I have to say it was the most creative meal I have ever seen, and I also found his bald burliness strangely attractive. Here is his video response to it all:

If you want a better chicken, try the Engagement Chicken from Glamour magazine. It is legendary because men seem to pop the question after eating it. I have yet to use its powers for evil, but it is wonderful and worth a try.
http://www.glamour.com/magazine/2006/07/engagement-chicken

Snow Day Rememberance

2010-01-05T13:28:00.000-08:00

The last year of my marriage I lived in a cute little Cape Cod. It was old, but it had and old world charm, and I miss the drafty, smelly thing. It even had it's own little courtyard coming off the kitchen. That January, we had a few snow days that shut down our entire town. I couldn't go to work. He couldn't go to work. My mom was visiting and was trapped with us. It was marvelous. Thing One was three and had never seen so much snow in her life. She was amazed and viewed the world in wide eyed astonishment. Our yard was a sloping hillside of various levels, and it was perfect for her to sleigh ride. The world was a marshmallow dream come true.
The next day we made it back to work, and my mom was keeping the preschooler and infant, and as she prepared lunch, the preschooler came in and asked to go out in the snow. My mom said she could, but she had to go get dressed. She came back in with Capri pants, cloth tennis shoes, and a sun hat. I think she was only big enough to reach her summer items. My mom being a practical woman quickly told the preschooler she had to change clothes, but Thing One is a stubborn child. She immediately threw one of her Katie Kaboom (Tiny Toons Reference)fits. My mother didn't lose her cool or yell. She just opened the kitchen door and put Thing One in the snow and closed the door. In about fifteen seconds, there was a knock. Thing One came in and went to her bedroom to find more appropriate clothing. After that, a good time was had by all.
Funny, I would love to say she has grown out of that stubbornness, but alas that would be a lie. To be honest, I love her ability to hold true to herself, and I love the strength that she possesses. She is one of the coolest people I have ever met, and I know life with her will be one heck of an adventure. Even better than a snow day.

First Official Snow Day

2010-01-04T04:07:00.000-08:00

Okay, kiddos, what should I do to celebrate the beauty of a snow day? Here is what I have so far:

1. Clean out laundry area. Well, I had to put up something like this because my mom reads my blog, and this will make her so proud. Hi, Mom!

2. I have board games and hot chocolate ready to go.

3. Maybe I can lock the kids in their rooms and watch True Blood.

4. Email my friends at work and rub it in.

5. Home Shopping Network Vs. Food Network. I wonder who will win.

6. Facebook

7. Writing silly blog entries

8. Read all those parenting ideas in magazines about what to do on a snow day

9. Take plenty of headache pills to handle the pain that comes with #8. You are to use the duct tape to make an indoor hop scotch board, not to pin your brother to the wall.

10. Go back to bed

I think I now have my winner. Bed it is. For lunch though, I do have a special treat. I found snowflake pasta at Homegoods (love that store). I bought it some time ago specifically for the first snow day. Yeah, I know, but I am all about the cheese factor. Wait...cheese! Homemade snowflake mac and cheese. Oh, yeah, this will be the best snow day EVER!

10 Things That Happened This Decade

2009-12-30T15:46:00.000-08:00

1. I was one of the first crime victims of 2000. Somebody broke into my car and stole my CD player and my copy of Jagged Little Pill. It didn't do them any good since they didn't take the adapter.

2. In 2001, I gave birth to Thing Two. This is the best thing to happen during the past 10 years. He is a crackerjack who loves music and being in the limelight, and everyday with him is a blessing.

3. My grandmother died in 2002.

4. The day after her the funeral my ex-husband and I broke up, over the phone. A house came for the rent on the same day in my mother's neighborhood, and I moved back to my small town. I had previously vowed never to come back. Be careful of famous last words.

5. I suddenly became a single mom with two young children and self-esteem at zero. I was dealing with infidelity and the lack of a job. I swallowed my pride and became a checkout girl at a local grocery store. I had to deal with some negative comments from customers and one person who I was once close, but I took care of the family on that salary. I also had the time of my life. They worked my hours around my children, and the people were great. It may have been one of the best jobs I have ever had.

6. I fine tuned my degree in 2004, and I began to work on my Master's. I began to teach that same year, and I completed grad school in 2006. I thank God for this every day. I am still drowning on some days, but #6 keeps throwing me a lifeline.

7. In 2003, I met a dark eye boy. In 2005, I feel head over heels. Women, who came of age during the Duran Duran era, can still find great love. It isn't the stuff found in vampire novels, but it is still just as great as it was all those years ago. Yeah me!

8. I have moved three times and bought two cars. I have been to five ballet recitals and countless soccer games.

9. I have made some horrible mistakes. No need to throw out everything, but yes, terrible mistakes have been made. Every stupid one them was a learning experiences, but I have a feeling more mistakes will be made during the next 10 years or so.

10. I have realized my own mortality. I have realized even though I speak about independence, I secretly want to find the "one". I have realized I am no longer a sweet, young thing. I have realized I will never have all the answers.

I hope tomorrow you find happiness in the old and anticipation in the new. This has been one rough year, and hopefully 2010 will give us more laughter and more love.

Christmas Future

2009-12-29T08:16:00.000-08:00

The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come leads Scrooge to his own demise so he sees that if he doesn't change his ways he will die alone without anybody to grieve for him. It climaxes into his redemption. His future then is a blank slate and filled with hope and joy.

What if you feel like the other shoe is going to drop? What if you see so much pain around you cannot help but wonder if and when it may happen to you? Okay, I am usually a Pollyanna. I am optimistic. I may grumble and panic and think the worse for a moment, but I shake it off and as Dory from Finding Nemo says, "keep on swimming". However even in my optimism, I recognize my grandmother is in her 80's, and my daddy is in his 70's. People don't live forever. One day I will be grieving for somebody I love. I know how lucky I am to have my family, but the thoughts of losing them takes my breath.

I lost a student this week to a horrible accident. In fact, he died on Christmas Day. I am still reeling from the shock, and I cannot imagine what he family is facing. My heart is breaking for them. Bad things happen to good people.

I had a panic attack in thinking of this. I broke down and had to catch my breath and hug my children closer. I am not saying bad things are going to happen to us, and I am not looking for it, but the idea of it slammed into me like a ton of bricks.

The life we have is a gift, and sometimes we take that gift for granted. The ones we love are also gifts, and today, don't waste a moment. Tell the people you love how much you care for them. Don't wait for them to tell you. They may never do it. Don't wait for the perfect moment. It may never come. Don't wait for a mean spirit to show up and point the direction out for you. Find your own path to redemption and grace.

Christmas Present

2009-12-24T11:58:00.001-08:00

May the joy and peace of the season nourish your soul.

Right in the Middle of a Winter Wonderland

2009-12-19T10:54:00.000-08:00

Well, right at this moment, I should have been getting ready to see The Nutcracker, but it is not happening. We had between 8-10 inches of snow last night, and I don't see myself getting off my hillside before Monday. I guess the cost of tickets will now be considered a charitable donation. In the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter. I am safe, warm, and my electricity is still on. Most people in our small town cannot say that. Not only is there power out, but the power company is now saying it may be a week before it working again. My prayers are with them, and I truly hope and pray that the estimation is being exaggerated.

Here are some of highlights:
You never know the danger that lurks under the snow.

Rudy the Reindeer is keeping watch over our hill.

Just a little bit of damage, but it could have been much worse.

Ghosts of Christmas Past

2009-12-15T17:39:00.000-08:00

Some of things I miss from my Christmas past:

1. Thriving downtown communities. As a kid, several stores would be open late in the night, and it seems some of my best Christmas memories involve walking between my parents, snow falling, bells ringing, and Santa. There was magic on every corner. Those stores are now closed. We rush to the malls, and even though I am never one to complain about going to the mall, it just isn't the same. Too sterile.

2. Not being able to sleep on Christmas morning just from anticipation.

3. All my grandparents being here.

4. Believing in something larger than myself

5. Christmas caroling with my church choir. We rode on the back of an old truck and sang through the neighborhoods. Yeah, that was fun, but the hot chocolate and popcorn that followed were incredible.

6. Hobo Stew. I really miss this tradition, and I wonder how I can bring it back for my kids. My church family met the Saturday before Advent, and each household would bring a can of something that was soup worthy. As we decorated the tree and the windows, my grandfather, the minister, would make his famous soup or what we called hobo stew. The older ladies would be baking cornbread muffins. The scent in the church was amazing, and the feeling of fellowship still lingers in my heart.

7. Being in plays. Oh, I hated it when it was happening, but I would love to be an angel again or maybe a shepherd. I remember coming out of the back room and yelling at my grandmother, "Look, Mamaw, I am angel. I am flying!!!!"

8. Getting that one perfect gift: Cabbage Patch Dolls, Garfield toys, my first Walkman. Okay, maybe it isn't about the gifts, but come on, we all have different gifts that just made the world seem wonderful. I understand Ralphie's need for that gun, and I understand why he was sleeping with it on Christmas night.

9. Santa calling me. We have lost touch and I miss him. Santa Baby, if you are reading this...call me.

10. And the unifying theme: magic, magic, magic. I remember being on my back looking up at the Christmas tree and it was the most amazing thing I have ever seen. I had to be about three. When I was four, Christmas fell on a Saturday. After all the gifts were opened, my dad turned on the television, and there was Scooby-Doo. Christmas and Scooby-Doo!!!!! All in the same day!!!! It doesn't get any better than that.

May you embrace all the wonder of your Christmas past, and may hope, belief, and magic dwell in your heart forever.

Fa A La La OUCH

2009-12-13T17:57:00.000-08:00

I haven't been myself for the past week. I was even out on Monday for what I thought was a routine U.T.I. I was in pain, and I had no energy, and today we found out why: I am the proud parent of a kidney stone. I am looking forward to meeting it so I can get some relief. It has truly been a horrible, no good day with a four hour trip to the ER. I am not a wuss, but I felt like I was in labor, and no bouncing baby to show for it. I have always heard the pain was severe, but I was not prepared for this at all.
I was to go Christmas shopping today with my parents, but I never got out of the driveway. I sent them, and I went home, but within minutes it was apparent I needed help. I drove myself and then proceeded to cry like a baby once I got there. My mother had her mother's intuition on full blast, and they turned around and met me at the hospital. I am truly thankful for her, even if I was cranky. The two hours I was there alone was frightening. Being single today wasn't fun at all. I really just wanted somebody to hold my hand and tell me it was going to be okay.
My parents had my children with them, and the ER staff allowed my daughter to come back to me, and I am amazed by how grown up she is. At one point, she took it upon herself to ask the doctor what was taking so long, especially with me in that much pain. She didn't have to do that and wasn't asked, but she is a very shy child, and it took guts and love to ask that question. My boy child was in the waiting room, and my dad caught him at the window telling the admissions clerk he wanted his mommy. He wasn't allowed to come to me, but I was able to stand outside the window and wave at him. Broke my heart, and I almost walked out right then, but my daddy saved the day with a trip to Subway.
Well, this is not how I wanted to spend my night, and I hope this is over soon. I hate not having control of my own body. This is minor though, and it will pass, literally and figuratively. Even though I am in this much pain, I still remember I am the fortunate one.

Let it Snow #2

2009-12-06T07:48:00.001-08:00

Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow

2009-12-05T05:22:00.000-08:00

Yep, we have our first snow of the season, and the valley is fluffy and soft. I always prefer this to the bare, brown hills. My stress level has gone down 110% with the scent of orange candles. The tree is lit, and I feel safe and secure. It is a good morning after a restless night.

I spent the entire night with the ghosts of "what-ifs" moaning and groaning around the rafters of my brain. I went back to 1993 and wondered if I should have zigged instead of zagged. I was filled with envy and disgust as I thought about what I wanted and didn't have. I wondered about relationships and if I will ever fully trust again. I wondered what it would be like to be cherished. I didn't have that in my marriage, and sometimes the wounds open and bleed. Mistrust coated with fear is sometimes a bitter pill to swallow. Several years ago, I became somebody I didn't want to be. I became the woman He saw me as. I became the person he wanted me to be so he could excuse his behavior with one bland, cardboard cutout after another. I became resentful and angry, and that caused even more problems in the relationship. It is sometimes easy to go back and want to dwell in the mistakes of the past because it takes courage to face the future. I have to admit, there are some days when I am not so courageous.

This morning I awoke to snow and remembered the promise of grace and hope. I have the hope that the future is mine to have. Life is going to happen, and there is still much pain, grief, and heartbreak to come. One step, one breath, and self-knowledge will hopefully push me through those times, and I won't dwell in the illusions of what I thought I was. Even in my imperfections, I find grace.

Wise Words from Barney Fife

2009-12-01T09:30:00.000-08:00

This is a conversation I had today with a student concerning The Tragedy of Julius Caesar:

"Okay, so what is Brutus's motivation? Why does he want Caesar dead? "What does the metaphor of the serpent in the egg tell us?"

"Well, Ms. _________, I think Brutus is like Barney Fife. Sometimes you have to nip it, nip it in the bud."

It is days like this where I love my job. He got it. He really got it.

Thanksgiving ABC

2009-11-26T07:48:00.000-08:00

Inspired by One-Minute Writer:

The ABC's of my Thanksgiving

A: Attitudes that inspire
B: Being able to buy books
C: A safe Car
D: Dancing when I am alone
E: Evenings at home
F: Fridays
G: My Granny still being with us
H: H., my daughter
I: Independence
J: J., my son
K: knowledge
L: Laughter
M: Magic
N: Naps
O: Ocean
P: Parents
Q: Quiet
R: Rain at night
S: Snow days
T: Teaching
U: Universal love
V: Victories
W: Wisdom
X: eXuberance
Y: Year of ups and downs
Z: Life with Zip

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours. May the blessings of the season fill your heart and nourish your soul.

Blessings of the Heart

2009-11-24T19:46:00.000-08:00

Disclaimer: Being a single woman sometimes this blog will address issues of the heart and false starts.

Tonight I got sentimental. It was a rather bittersweet feeling, more sweet than bitter, bitter than sweet. My mother and I were talking about this and that when I began to share stories she never knew. I told her about how I met D., and how he walked back and forth several times before stopping. I told her about our first kiss, and how he attached his class ring to a dozen roses and had it delivered to me for my birthday. I told her about P.(her favorite) who ticked me off one night in my dorm's lobby just to meet me. We ended up talking for hours, and then he sent me a Winnie Pooh card. The card was my favorite literary character and it had his phone number. I told her about how A. made a vase out of Snocap chocolate boxes, and then put flowers in it. I fell in love though when he spent an hour trying to find my son's paci. My mother listened to the stories and talked about her own memories of the boys who have come and gone, and with this opening of memories, I realized how blessed I have been.
I have been loved. I have loved, and I will continue to love. I will wake up alone on Thanksgiving, but I still carry this love in me. Corney, yes, but true. I am so blessed to have known real emotion from real people who weren't knights in shining armor. They were flawed and complex. They helped to shape me into...well, me.
For that, thank you, dear hearts.

I Finally Know What I Want in a Man (and it isn't going to happen)

2009-11-22T09:07:00.000-08:00

Okay, last weekend changed my life. I watched Lawrence Gowan preform with Styx, and a new obsession was born. I have looked up every video on youtube, and I now own the best of Gowan. How dare the Canadian borders block this from me in my impressionable youth. My years in the 80s would have been better if I had known his name. I do have problems watching the videos from the 80s just for the cheese factor, but the music is rich and fun and wow, sexy. Then I saw this video, and Mr. Gowan has ruined me for all men. I think this is going to be my next personal ad: Searching for Mr. Gowan, circa 1990-1997. Anyway, if you like good music and cute boys, may I just share this with you:

Am I Lonely? Blog going back into Single Mom Territory for a Bit.

2009-11-19T18:00:00.000-08:00

Could it be? I didn't realize it. I went through my days and nights completely unaware that was even an option. I have not been in a relationship for several, several months (okay years), and I wanted it that way. I had been in love and then I thought I wasn't. Two weeks ago, contact was made and this past love showed up with a bag of groceries and many memories. Except for two late night conversations, nothing else has occurred to make me believe this relationship is going to rekindle. I refuse to dream of what may not be, and I am trying not to misread any signals. I don't want to believe in fairy tales, but I also don't want to let this one go. How odd is that? A friend recently asked if he was my "twin flame" and I now wondering if he was/is, and that is why I am suddenly knocked off balance. All of sudden I am in stuck in my winter of discontent. I woke up Sunday, and I was lonely to the core. I have a wonderful family who loves me, but there I was missing my other half. The funny thing is I am not sure if I am missing the man I know or the one I have yet to meet.

In the spirit of things I am attaching my second latest obsession, Lawrence Gowan from Styx. This one song is becoming my theme song:
http://popup.lala.com/popup/1585548587009704898

When There's Time (For Love)
Written by Lawrence Gowan, E. Schwartz, J.D. Souther
Lead Vocals by Lawrence Gowan

The timing's wrong
You're out there eager to fly
I'll say so long
But I'll sure be watching the sky
When your wheels finally touch the groud
Look me up, I'll be around

When there's time for love
I want to be there
When you've got all night for love
I see you and me there
Well maybe our time isn't now
But it will come around

Must be nice
Out there chasing the stars
I've tried it once or twice
Flew real high and I fell real hard
Do what you've got to do
Make every single dream come true

And when there's time for love
I want to be there
When you've got all night for love
I see you and me there
Well maybe our time isn't now
But it will come around

Yes it will come around, it'll come around
And when you think your soaring days are done
You're going to find out
How they've just begun

When your wheels finally touch the ground
Look me up, I'll be around

'Cause when there's time for love
I want to be there
When you've got all night for love
I see you and me there
Well maybe our time isn't now
But it will come around

Lucky Me

2009-11-16T16:34:00.001-08:00

I love Styx. No, seriously, I really do. They have been dear to my heart for well over twenty years now, and this is with or without Dennis. Amazing voice, but he just doesn't seem like a nice guy at all. Anyway, Saturday was my Styx experience. I had the pleasure of seeing Tommy Shaw in a bar in Nashville two years ago, but even as good as it was, it couldn't even begin to compare to this weekend. The band's energy was contagious, and I really do believe they are getting better with age. Fun, fun, so much fun. My girlfriends and I had a blast, especially with the opening act--Bo Bice. Oh, man, he is soooooo good. Sexy, talented, and I swear, he must have the best hair in show business. He is also a really, super nice guy. He was listening to Styx and was more than happy to meet the handful fan that found him with the sound guy. He touched me!!!!!!!! No, I mean his music touched me.

Here is Styx with Lawrence Gowan singing my favorite Beatles song, and yes, I love this version. All is good for me:

And now a little Bo:

Ah-ha About the Dream

2009-11-12T08:21:00.000-08:00

I figured it all out: He dreamed I was searching in earnest for something, and I was opening several different doors. I was dressed in clothes from the 30s, and in one hand, I held a sword. The other hand was a candle. This week I caught several students cheating, but I lack the proof needed to proceed formally. In one hand, I hold justice. The other hand is the truth. Deep, very deep, especially since he didn't know about the job stress. He did say the dream ended happily.

Funny what dreams reveal. Maybe he is just watching too many old movies at night.

Do You Believe in Dreams and Other Stress

2009-11-11T16:27:00.001-08:00

Two ex's both showed up this week, on different sides of my life. One came in for a visit with a bag of groceries, laughs, and just a relaxing evening. We even had time to hike and have many honest conversations. Anything in the future? Not at this moment, and as with any relationship, I plan to take just one day at a time. I don't want to plan anything at this point, but it was nice to remember why I fell for him in the first place. Some times we need to remember the good and just hang out. With that in mind, ex two really shocked me. He came in the form of an email. He is an ex-fiance, but he seems to be tapping into mystical powers. He had a dream about me last week where there was something developing around me which would lead to a great loss for him. He said though it was very peaceful since I was so happy.

Funny, my dreams are not pointing to any certain directions, so I want to hear more, but why do I have to be in a standard relationship to be happy. Why is happy always synonymous with romance? I think we are buying into the season of Twilight here. My happiness shouldn't be tied into anybody's knots. I am and will be happy with my life, and when the world does coming crashing down, I pray that my faith and love will be my strength. I have hope, and I pray I never lose it.

Lord of the Dance

2009-11-05T19:33:00.000-08:00

When I was a kid, I sang the following song in church, and today I think the lyrics are very much needed. Dancing is usually looked upon as just a physical celebration, but a friend has reminded me that it can also heal the soul. We should not only dance in the light, but we need to find the strength to dance when the shadows circle around us:

I danced in the morning when the world was begun,
I dance in the moon and the stars and the sun,
I came down from Heaven and I danced on earth,
At Bethlehem I had my birth.

"Dance then, wherever you may be,
I am the Lord of the dance," said he,
"And I'll lead you all wherever you may be,
And I'll lead you all in the dance," said he.

I danced for the scribe and the Pharisee,
They would not dance, they wouldn't follow me.
So I danced for the fishermen,
James and John came with me and the dance went on.

"Dance then, wherever you may be,
I am the Lord of the dance," said he,
"And I'll lead you all wherever you may be,
And I'll lead you all in the dance," said he.

I danced on the Sabbath and I cured the lame,
The Holy people said it was a shame.
They whipped and they stripped and they hung me high,
Left me there on a cross to die.

"Dance then, wherever you may be,
I am the Lord of the dance," said he,
"And I'll lead you all wherever you may be,
And I'll lead you all in the dance," said he.

I danced on a Friday when the sky turned black,
It's hard who dance with the devil on your back.
They buried my body, they thought I'd gone,
But I am the dance, and I still go on.

"Dance then, wherever you may be,
I am the Lord of the dance," said he,
"And I'll lead you all wherever you may be,
And I'll lead you all in the dance," said he.

They cut me down, but I lept up high.
"I am the life that'll never never die
And I'll live in you if you'll live in me.
I am the Lord of the dance," said he.

"Dance then, wherever you may be,
I am the Lord of the dance," said he,
"And I'll lead you all wherever you may be,
And I'll lead you all in the dance," said he

Personal note.

G. you will dance stronger when the devil is on your back.

We Did the Mash...

2009-10-29T19:05:00.001-07:00

We did the Monster Mash...

It was a graveyard smash

Home Scenes

2009-10-28T13:42:00.000-07:00

Well, I am sick, yuck. I don't think it is what everybody else is having; I am unique :) I have pain in my side and back, and the pain was so severe yesterday it caused me to have other stomach troubles. I am feeling better today, but I am horribly weak. I have slept all day on my mom's couch, but at least I didn't have to call a sub. My district has called off for the rest of the week. One school near us had almost 50% of the student population out with some form of the creeping cruds. I have a feeling it is going to be a long winter.

Thing One is feeling much better, thank goodness, but she is tiring easily. All in all, however, she is 100% better than she was. Thing Two hasn't slowed down for one second. Which is good because Trick or Treat is tomorrow night, and Saturday I have invited some friends up for costumes and adult conversation. Hopefully, everybody will be there, and the creeping cruds stay away. If you know me personally, and you want to come, call for directions, and we will have a Candy Corn Cocktail waiting for you.

Happy Haunting!

Songs Inspiring Me Today

2009-10-21T21:28:00.001-07:00

I love this song because it reminds I am never truly alone. The music within me makes me whole, a world I have built on my own:

This is just fun:

And Just because Janis made the world a brighter place. I love her:

Happy Halloween

2009-10-17T17:11:00.000-07:00

I don't normally post real pictures of us, but in spirit of the season:

Try JibJab Sendables® eCards today!

Life in Small Doses

2009-10-14T17:33:00.001-07:00

I haven't posted in several days just because I couldn't think of what to write. Life is moving fast and furious, and I am learning to stop and just take it in small doses. School, work, and creeping cruds have overtaken our every day existence, and it may overwhelm us if we don't stop and breathe.

Thing One is sick, very sick. Thank goodness it isn't H1N1, but she had a high fever from Saturday until last night. As prayer went through my church's prayer chain (Thanks, Gran), it broke. She is still dizzy and weak, her head is pounding, and yes, she is just miserable, but in all this, we find smiles. We enjoyed the two days I took off to be with her at home. We enjoyed the movie Ghost Cat with a very young Ellen Page, and we just enjoyed being together on the couch. Life in small doses can bring blessings.

Speaking of blessing, funny how you can find them in the oddest places. How about the Dollar Store? Yep, even there. My gran is not feeling well, and I stopped for some medicine. As I walked out with my package in one hand, and my son's hand in the other, I looked to the hills and saw the brilliance of the gold, orange, and red. I felt the cool air on my cheeks. I saw people hurrying to pick some small items they need for today, and this overwhelming sense of thanksgiving washed over me. I am part of this wheel of life, and I just have a tiny corner of the world to occupy, but I am so blessed to have it. I about the 9Th generation of women to pass over these mountains, and I am thankful to have my stand. I may crave more coffee shops, museums, and sound in general, but today the quiet of the mountains, and the blessings of this small town touched me. The mountains wrap me in comfort and give me peace. Life in small doses is fine by me.

Time For Six Word Saturday

2009-10-03T04:46:00.000-07:00

Click and make a trip to Cate's:

Looking forward but with lonely heart.

Nothing wrong. The kids are with their father, and I am happy for them and him, but sometimes the quiet makes me heartsick. I think it is an early morning, too much time to think thing.

Tuesday Night Mix Tape

2009-09-29T17:11:00.000-07:00

Tonight is a TV free night. I don't need clutter or mindless chatter; I need comfort and blankets and big, fluffy pillows. I need to nurture myself with Walt Whitman and then Nora Roberts. I am a well rounded reader. It seems I have a touch of the latest stomach bug and was in misery the entire day. The cramping has stopped, and I was able to eat a small dinner of applesauce pancakes with an apple/cranberry topping. I thought all was good until I began to try and relax.

With my comfort food security level up several notches, I sat down and turned on my Itunes and hit my Genius Mix, where they mix up your songs for you. Well, this mix must be the depressing/ex boyfriend/ex husband blend. I had no idea that my music was this depressing. Not only that, but every sentimental song from old mix tapes/Cd's of significant others were thrown in for good measure. There is always something there to remind blared before Sarah began to sing about possession. Tori Amos prevailed with three songs reminding me that even though I wasn't perfect, I would still look it if I could play the piano like her, or at least sit and grind on the piano like her. I couldn't turn it off. I sat here in a stupor wondering what new boyfriend or insecurity would show up next when everything was redeemed with just a few catchy lines. I was no longer a single mom wondering where did it go wrong or where did it go right. I was eight again, on my back porch, with a UK blue eight track player and Blondie was telling me all about life, and it is still good.