Unless You Are Sookie...

You cannot read my mind. Nope, it is something you will never manage, and on the plus side, I will never read yours. Wow, that is wonderful. I really have no desire to know what you truly thought about this or that, no more than you should know about my obsession with Tom Brokaw. Ooops, I guess I let that one out of the bag, but doesn't it make sense. I guess if I want to you know about me and what I need, then I will have to let a few things out of the bag.

People everyday scream and shout to be heard, blogs, message boards, Facebook. They crave and desire attention not being found in the reality. Hey, I am not judging; thus, my own blogs, message boards, and Facebook. We all need to be heard, and we all need acceptance. Basic human instinct. My problem is how we get this attention. My feelings were hurt this week because my significant other didn't respond as I wanted. Was he being insensitive or inattentive? No, he just didn't see the significance of it in my own life. He lives three hours from me, and he wasn't there to see how depressed I really was. So, when he didn't call but rather texted a good night, my feelings were hurt, even though I knew he wasn't feeling well himself. I had a great pity party and pouted the rest of the night. Boy, that showed him. Why didn't I text that I needed more? Why didn't I tell him I was hurting? Why didn't I call? Because I assumed he knew and understood. My mistake. He knew I went to a cousin's funeral, and I was sad. He checked on me through the day via texts. He said he wished he could have been with me. He even texted my daughter with support, but he didn't know how much it affected me. He didn't see my tears. I didn't cry to him. He didn't know how much I loved my cousin because I didn't share it. I justified my actions by saying I didn't want to be a bother.
That, my friends, is poppycock. If I expect him to be a partner then I need to let him in completely. I don't need to be angry over imagines wrongs because even though I am worth the bother I shouldn't be arrogant enough to expect more than he can give. Nobody should just sense how I feel. I shouldn't assume how others should act and react to me. That isn't open communication; it is manipulation. It has potential to be toxic. If I choose to mention what I am wanting, and my needs are stil not being then I will need to examin the big picture.
The attitude adjustment needs to shine in all my relationships. To be honest, my tween doesn't have the insight to respond as an adult, and I shouldn't expect her. I need to realisticly look to the people in my life and treat them realistically.
Last night, on chance, we had a rather open discussion on communication. He ex would call him insensitive, but in reality, he was clueless about her expectations. He asked me to tell him when I need to talk and be honest about how I feel so he can gage his own actions. I, in turn, agreed. Maybe, just maybe, he is on to something. Must have read my mind.

The Dance

I haven't posted in a very long time because, to be honest, I didn't have much to say. Oh, many things were happening, but as Mary in the Bible, I just pondered it in my heart. Sometimes you have to retreat to learn more about yourself. This week brought me out of my hiatus. I have experienced love. I have experienced pain, and I have experienced loss. Tuesday we will bury one of my favorite cousins. He has suffered so long, and it is always difficult to say goodbye, but I have been blessed to know him. Larger than life he was.

garth brooks - the dance
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Simply the Best

Okay, she is happy. Since her husband left her, she has lost weight and is wearing jeans she hasn't had on in five years. Five years ago, they were also separated. Her soon to be ex is wondering why she didn't care during their time together. He is also losing weight. He is feeling better about himself. I did the same when I was separated from my ex. To be honest, I became frumpy during the last few months of our marriage. My entire being was lost within a haze. Why? Why do we get motivated by loss and depression? Why do we become complacent during the times of comfort? Isn't that when we should be at our best?

Now, I am being healthier, and yes, I am doing it for me, but I would be a liar if I said that other people noticing is nothing to me. Wait, let me even try to say that with a straight face...nope, can't do it. If you are looking for false modesty, come back some other time. I like positive attention. In receiving this positive attention, I have done some reflection, and I noticed a simple fact about myself; I am at my best when surrounded by healthy relationships. Boy, that was ground breaking. When I am with happy, healthy people, I want to be happy and healthy. I want to be my best for those I love. The question is why do we slack with time? Is it because we develop the attitudes of "I have my man" or "love me for who I am"? Yes, we need unconditional love as is, but did I hide behind it as an excuse? Is it we forget to challenge ourselves when other people are demanding our time and effort. When do we stop loving ourselves in trying to love others? How can we keep this happening? I wish I knew.

I just know that there have been people unworthy of my best, and that wasn't their fault or mine. I just invested too much time in the lost. I am now taking care of myself for me and my children, and yes, we are worthy. If and when I fall in love, it will be with somebody who is worthy, AND I will give that person my best because we both deserve it. If a relationship brings me down, then that is not the healthy relationship I am needing. This extends to lovers, friends, and community. I deserve to be me at full speed.

Can I?

“We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone - but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy” ~~Walter Anderson

To love, to relate, to understand, we have to remove boundaries and become vulnerable. The question is how do we do that once the boundaries had been set in stone. Who has the strength to even begin to knock them down? Who has the nerve? Who has the patience? We are often so caught up in our own crap that we forget to see what is real. Then in moments of reflection we stop and realize "oh yeah". We make bad decisions for all the wrong reason, being easily distracted by our own hang-ups, but we are constantly searching for what is concrete. Then when our lives move from the abstract to the concrete, we feel like Alice tumbling through the rabbit hole. We struggle to comprehend our surroundings. We can accept the falsehoods of the life we desire more easily than the truths of our reality. We put the joker on a pedestal, expecting a show; yet, we are shocked when he fails to perform to our expectations. The reality is sharper and more painful, and with that we begin to applaud the imaginary because it is safer.

Safer is not always reliable. It is what it is, and then life becomes predictable and shallow. People cannot fit into our prefabricated designs. So, with that in mind, I pick up the sledgehammer and swing.

Just the Normal Sunday Update or Is it?

Wow, what a week! It was a summer blockbuster within itself with the good, the bad, and yes, even the ugly. First of all, my poor Thing Two fell during his school picnic and is beginning the summer with a broken arm. As my mother said, we are just surprised it hasn't happened before now. He is an extremely active child who has been taking evening runs since he was ten months. He rolled across my living room at four months and crawled at six. He is taking pretty well to the cast, and it hasn't slowed his video game playing at all.
Yesterday, his sister went to a sleepover, so he and I had the entire day with just the two of us. We went out for pizza and then to The Prince of Persia. I am not a video game purist so I really enjoyed the movie. Just a perfect, popcorn munching, adventure flick for a stormy Saturday. We then came home and Thing One watched the original Clash of the Titans. The stop action monsters bugged him more than the current use of CGI. His reasoning makes sense to me: they look like the monsters in HIS head. He loved it though because, at the moment, he is all things Greek mythology.
As of WW, I haven't followed it closely this week with the finals, graduation, and Thing One's arm in a sling, but I haven't gained. In fact, the blouse I wore to graduation hasn't been worn in months. It was the first time I have worn it without a jacket. Motivation to do better this week, but I have something tempting sitting on my counter, a KitchenAid mixer. Wow, it sure is purdy...and free. A very, very dear friend gave it to me since his mother has two. I used it today to knead my biscuit dough, and Thing Two and I just played with the features. I am now dreaming of the pasta attachment. I don't know what I am having for dinner tonight, but something will be mixed.
Oh, and I cannot forget this week brings two of my summer pleasures, True Blood and the World Cup!!!!!!

WW Update

Several years ago, I was a health freak. I very rarely ate meat and worked out every day I could. I drank plenty of water and felt really mentally and physically. What happened? I got married. No, I am not blaming him and our marriage, however, we were low on cash and time. Also, he liked meat, and I wanted to make meals to please him. We also discovered when we had cash, there were places called restaurants that would cater to our every desire. I still could have made wise food decisions, but I didn't. Finally, after fourteen years, I have now decided it is time for me to eat like a grown-up. In other words, if I want to dodge the diabetes bullet, I need to take responsibility for what I eat. Yes, it is easier to reach for the burger, but being a grown-up isn't always easy.

Well, I am now two weeks into the program, and I am liking the results and the freedom. I had pizza Friday night with my family. I had real food, and I still balanced my life with the plan. As of 8 AM this morning, I am down 7.7 lbs. I lost two just this week. My biggest problem is trying to drink the recommended water. If I am not thirsty, I don't do it. The greatest accomplishment is my renewed desire to work out. I am truly enjoying my 5K walks. I seriously thought of joining a friend in the couch to 5K running challenge, but I have a bad knee. The doctor told me at twenty-two not to run due to the deterioration of the knee, and I cannot forget it. I have no desire to end up needing a replacement years before I should.

I also want to congratulate somebody I love for joining WW with me. We can do this together, I promise. I am cheering you on, 110%

Memorial Day

I am not cooking out today. My grill was damaged this winter, and the one I had at my mom's washed away. Oh, well, it doesn't really bother me. I have had a very nice relaxing weekend with reading, sleep, friends, movies,and reflection. There is also potential, but that is for another day. Yes, it has been very nice indeed, and I have forgotten how much I love summer nights.

With the joys of summer creeping up on me, it would be easy to forget what this day is. It is a day of remembrance. In Appalachian, we also take this weekend to remember our loved ones who are no longer here. It is our "Decoration Day". We travel to different cemeteries, clean graves, and redo flower memorials. I am not financially able to decorate the graves of my extended family, but I know the old, country cemeteries like the back of my hand. I know the stories of those who now rest there, and I tell my children about these people. One day I will be a memory, and I don't want them to forget how they got here in the first place. To know our heritage, we often find ourselves. I walk like my great-grandmother who died in 1957. I laugh like my other great-grandmother who died the year I was born. My son has the eyes of my great-grandfather who died in a mining accident in the 20s. It is a privilege to have this information, and I think I am very lucky to have met them in the memories of others.

My great-grandmother told my father it rained on Memorial Day because the angels were crying. I think they grieve for those who have nobody to grieve for them.