When There Is Time for Love, I Want to Be There

For men who have ever uttered "I wish I could be there to help some way" or "IF you ever need me...", listen carefully to these words of advice. Find a way. Be there. Show up. Do something completely unselfish for the one whom you claim to love. False words and unfulfilled promises will always be remembered, and so will sincere words, a held hand,and the comfortable silence that follows.

Update...again

Pacemaker is in, and my grandmother is doing some better already. Today was very good with our family gathering around the table and talking all at once. We still have many uphill walks to make, but tonight was truly a blessing.

Spring is Just Around the Corner

Even though we may have rain tonight, and snow and really cold temps are in the forecast, today has been wonderful. The sun was shining, and the kids have been walking, climbing, jumping, and playing outside for the past several hours. I was even able to finally clean up my yard and get rid of the winter yucks. I am thinking of trying my hand at a vegetable garden, but I am not exactly gifted with a green thumb. I am willing to try though, and I swear, one day, I will grow pumpkins. I had beautiful vines a few years ago, but my grass cutter put the end to those dreams. There is always this year.

There is something about putting down roots and watching things grow. Even though I do not want to buy a house right now (commitment phobias), I do have an idea of what I want in a dream home:

http://www.dreamhomesource.com/country_house-plans_DHSW65569.hwx

I found this a few days ago and fell in love. It has everything I have ever wanted in a home. Now, I just need to fall in love with a carpenter and maybe hit the lottery.

Update

The doctor told my mother that she didn't have the worse cancer to have, and this type, if caught early, has a very high survival right. She will have surgery in two weeks. He also told her that to remember that even with this good news, this is still cancer. So, good news and a reality check, and we are very thankful for both.

Out of Rhythm

I have so many snow days now I cannot even remember my former life as an educator. I almost dread going back now because I feel detached from everything. It feels like summer vacation in the Arctic Circle.

Tomorrow we are taking my mother to the University of Kentucky's Markey Cancer Center to see the progression of her disease. I have faith there will be a positive post about the outcome of that visit.

Speaking of faith, today begins Lent. I hope if you stumble on this blog and you are searching for something to believe in, you find it. I hope you find whatever proves to you that you are important, and you are part of something bigger than yourself. Whatever journey you choose, may it bring it peace and acceptance.

Sometimes I'm Just a Damsel in Distressed Jeans

I haven't been myself for the last two weeks, and it is a combination of family illnesses, work, and February blahs. I really, really do hate this month, and sometimes I just want to sleep through it. I have shared my feelings with a few friends, and I now have one male friend who thinks he can save me. He wants to protect me from the nastiness of life. He wants me to share with him.

I can't. There is nothing more to share. I have no desire to wax poetic about my woes because the truth has already been said. I am sad. I have family members who are sick. There. Then I get an email that says, "Talk to me."

I thought I had.

I am needing friends right now. I am thankful to have a friend who wants more, but I have nothing enlightening to say, and the constant "knight in shining armor" routine doesn't blend well with my chemical makeup. Never has. With our history, he should know that already. I am a woman who has fallen in the knight's arms before, and tragedy brings infatuation and not true, lasting love. Knights live the role of the savior, and the damsel feels weak and guilty. After a while, they resent the fact the other person cannot maintain the character.

All humans need help now and then. We should be able to ask for it without obligation. We should help without making the other person feel less than what they are. I don't need to be held yet, and the constant reminder of it being possible doesn't allow me to feel fully connected with my reality. I just want to be blue. The beautiful words of physical comfort seem more like a ballad for a stranger instead of my daily existence.

Talk to me about movies and books. When I think I have something to say, I will and don't force it. Don't force me to be the damsel. It is not a costume that fits me. Allow me to be the emotional wreck because nobody can fix grief, and my grief is from the pain of my loved ones. I can't fix theirs, and you can't fix mine. We just have to experience it. Instead of trying to "fix" it, just nod with understanding and let me rage if I need it. Let me cry. Let me laugh. Just let me be me.

BUT if I am ever tied up to a post with a dragon coming, I know who to call. The same goes for you. When the dragon comes for you, holler. I will be there because I have your back. I may not be able to slay it, but wow, we will have one heck of a story.

Current Mood

Honesty with the C-word

My son is the only one who is willing to say it out loud. Cancer. There, I wrote it. I am looking at it, and there it is. Cancer. My mother has cancer. The cancer is not rare, and it has a high survival rate. She is most likely in stage one. Cancer. Even with all the positives, it is still ugly. It is still harsh. It is still not right. This is my mommy, and my mommy has cancer.

Tonight my son walked in and said, "Mom-mom, we need to talk."

She put down her book and asked, "About what?"

"Well, duh, cancer."

Finally, there is the white elephant in the room, and Thing Two is the only one not ignoring it. Stepping around it isn't going to make it better.

He also told her later in the evening she shouldn't take out the trash because she has cancer. Did he offer to take it out for her? No, but it is the thought that counts.

Today

My family received bad news. My mother is sick, and even though the doctors are positive, hearing it, knowing it has taken us the wind out of all of us. The C-word, the real ugly one, is a shock. I keep saying it over and over in mind so I can get use to it. I cannot even imagine what she is thinking. I know today has moved in slow motion for her, and she is restless; yet, when I left her this evening, she was cooking dinner for my dad. She was doing what she has done for the past forty-two years. This is one reason why I love my mommy. She has an amazing strength that I think skipped me. She is solid and self-reliant. I want to be just like her when I grow up.