I haven't been myself for the last two weeks, and it is a combination of family illnesses, work, and February blahs. I really, really do hate this month, and sometimes I just want to sleep through it. I have shared my feelings with a few friends, and I now have one male friend who thinks he can save me. He wants to protect me from the nastiness of life. He wants me to share with him.
I can't. There is nothing more to share. I have no desire to wax poetic about my woes because the truth has already been said. I am sad. I have family members who are sick. There. Then I get an email that says, "Talk to me."
I thought I had.
I am needing friends right now. I am thankful to have a friend who wants more, but I have nothing enlightening to say, and the constant "knight in shining armor" routine doesn't blend well with my chemical makeup. Never has. With our history, he should know that already. I am a woman who has fallen in the knight's arms before, and tragedy brings infatuation and not true, lasting love. Knights live the role of the savior, and the damsel feels weak and guilty. After a while, they resent the fact the other person cannot maintain the character.
All humans need help now and then. We should be able to ask for it without obligation. We should help without making the other person feel less than what they are. I don't need to be held yet, and the constant reminder of it being possible doesn't allow me to feel fully connected with my reality. I just want to be blue. The beautiful words of physical comfort seem more like a ballad for a stranger instead of my daily existence.
Talk to me about movies and books. When I think I have something to say, I will and don't force it. Don't force me to be the damsel. It is not a costume that fits me. Allow me to be the emotional wreck because nobody can fix grief, and my grief is from the pain of my loved ones. I can't fix theirs, and you can't fix mine. We just have to experience it. Instead of trying to "fix" it, just nod with understanding and let me rage if I need it. Let me cry. Let me laugh. Just let me be me.
BUT if I am ever tied up to a post with a dragon coming, I know who to call. The same goes for you. When the dragon comes for you, holler. I will be there because I have your back. I may not be able to slay it, but wow, we will have one heck of a story.
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