Tuesday, March 9, 2010

So I Had a Bad Day

No biggie, but I am truly fighting the pity party. I feel drained. I am emotionally, mentally, and spiritually spent. I am thankful for so many things, and due to this, I feel guilty for my party of one. I just think the stress of the past month is finally catching up with me. I have been the "Pollyanna". I am the upbeat, all will be well persona, and now that the sun is shining again, I feel like falling apart. I just want to hunker down and cry. I am almost creating situations so I can just wail one out. I am in a fighter's stance looking for a battle deep down I don't want to fight. I just want to wake up and feel secure that the day will bring something positive.

The second thing is that somebody who I had hoped would be more of an emotional support proved, once again, that I cannot depend on him. I have wonderful friends who have really provided the support I needed, but my female readers should understand the desire for more. This is a good thing though. I finally think I am emotionally ready for more. Okay, this has been said before, but I may mean it this time. I now understand what I do need in my life. I have trust issues. I often do not feel worthy of good things, and I know I allow this to affect my relationships. I pick those who will not ask for a long term commitment from me. Not good, but it did allow me to become comfortable in my singleness. I have also learned that being alone is better than being miserable. I did not settle for something I really didn't want. This eye opening lesson did bring something good. It led to a date. Yes, you read it here first; I had a date with a dear, sweet friend who I have crushed on for sixteen years. We do not live close to each other, but the planets aligned. Even though, that one date may be it, I was out there. I willingly spent time with an adult male who isn't a family member. As the old Christmas cartoon once sang, I put one foot in front of the other.

2 comments:

Evil Twin's Wife said...

Good for you! Keep putting that one foot in front of the other. You are destined for something wonderful.

Gabriella Moonlight said...

I am very glad that you had a date! That is positively wonderful and that's all it takes one foot begins the journey of 1000 miles. Trust can be regained if you allow it, you deserve so much and so wonderful!!!

Hope you got to Zumba...tell me how it was...

G