Monday, April 4, 2011

Do I...Yes, I Do

I am engaged.  I love him; he loves me.  We get along.  Our kids get along, and we enjoy each other's company.  He is an amazing, loving, generous man, and I am more than blessed to know him, but this isn't about him.  It is going back to a question that was asked yesterday, "why do I deserve this?"

I don't think the question was asked in a mean spirit, and it was taken out of context, but my daughter told somebody that I deserved all of this, implying I deserve to be happy.  She was asked why.  The question honestly confused her, and she didn't completely understand what was being asked.  An ex boyfriend was mentioned, and this really confused her.  He and I have not dated seriously since the autumn of 2006 (haven't dated anybody seriously for four years), and she couldn't grasp why he was even mentioned.  To be fair, I have kept my personal life separate from my mommy life as much as possible, and I am not a serial dater.  I cut ties quickly in order to protect our family unit, but yes, I dated A. for many years.  He was good to the kids and to me, but he was not meant to be my husband.  My daughter even said a few days ago, she knew he wasn't the one; however, does this mean I shouldn't marry P because A was in the picture for a bit?  Should I pull away due to the fact others may not approve?  Should I discredit my own happiness?  The answer is no.  I deserve to be happy.  I deserve to be loved, and I deserve this chance to love. 

If I look more closely at the situation, I come to the realization that I never wanted to remarry until this moment.  I say that is a God thing.  I haven't wasted opportunities on false hopes and fake dreams.  I have been caught up in romance a few times, but I do tend to have a realistic approach to life.  I praise God for that.  I have stayed true to my heart, and that is P.  I loved him when I was only twenty-one, and this time around is even sweeter.  I deserve this chance.

It won't be perfect, and marriage should not be perfect.  It is about forming a bond that should last an eternity, and if that was easy, there wouldn't be divorces.  I have been down this road before, and that is another reason why I haven't given my heart.  I have sheltered it and tended it's grief (thank you Anne Sexton for the metaphor).  Giving it freely is a tremendous step, and I think it takes courage to hold on to something that has the potential to kill you.  I admire anybody who has the ability to say "I do" long after the wedding bells stop chiming.  I want a future without boundaries.  I want love with the imperfections it brings.  I want to have hope and faith.  I do.

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