Saturday, December 5, 2009

Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow

Yep, we have our first snow of the season, and the valley is fluffy and soft. I always prefer this to the bare, brown hills. My stress level has gone down 110% with the scent of orange candles. The tree is lit, and I feel safe and secure. It is a good morning after a restless night.

I spent the entire night with the ghosts of "what-ifs" moaning and groaning around the rafters of my brain. I went back to 1993 and wondered if I should have zigged instead of zagged. I was filled with envy and disgust as I thought about what I wanted and didn't have. I wondered about relationships and if I will ever fully trust again. I wondered what it would be like to be cherished. I didn't have that in my marriage, and sometimes the wounds open and bleed. Mistrust coated with fear is sometimes a bitter pill to swallow. Several years ago, I became somebody I didn't want to be. I became the woman He saw me as. I became the person he wanted me to be so he could excuse his behavior with one bland, cardboard cutout after another. I became resentful and angry, and that caused even more problems in the relationship. It is sometimes easy to go back and want to dwell in the mistakes of the past because it takes courage to face the future. I have to admit, there are some days when I am not so courageous.

This morning I awoke to snow and remembered the promise of grace and hope. I have the hope that the future is mine to have. Life is going to happen, and there is still much pain, grief, and heartbreak to come. One step, one breath, and self-knowledge will hopefully push me through those times, and I won't dwell in the illusions of what I thought I was. Even in my imperfections, I find grace.

3 comments:

Hyphen Beth said...

You are such an amazing, strong, confident woman! Your writing always inspires me:)


****we should try and get together sometime, maybe tara and i could come your and Kathie's way, let me know what you think.

Robynbeth said...

Thank you so much for saying that! I am really not that confident, but as the great song (from Santa Clause Is Coming to Town) says "just put one foot in front of the other".

Hang in there and I am very happy to hear about your recent decisions.

Gabriella Moonlight said...

Hey darling, you know you are confident and your courages surpasses most!!! This I know for sure...those demons of the past....we don't dwell there anymore, but we dont' shut the door on them as they are the lessons that make us strong and who we are!

The snow came quickly here and the beauty did exactly what you stated...it showed us the grace and the joy that still resides in us!

Hey email me sometime about more energy information...let me know how it's all going...there's more!

Hugs
G