Yep, we have our first snow of the season, and the valley is fluffy and soft. I always prefer this to the bare, brown hills. My stress level has gone down 110% with the scent of orange candles. The tree is lit, and I feel safe and secure. It is a good morning after a restless night.
I spent the entire night with the ghosts of "what-ifs" moaning and groaning around the rafters of my brain. I went back to 1993 and wondered if I should have zigged instead of zagged. I was filled with envy and disgust as I thought about what I wanted and didn't have. I wondered about relationships and if I will ever fully trust again. I wondered what it would be like to be cherished. I didn't have that in my marriage, and sometimes the wounds open and bleed. Mistrust coated with fear is sometimes a bitter pill to swallow. Several years ago, I became somebody I didn't want to be. I became the woman He saw me as. I became the person he wanted me to be so he could excuse his behavior with one bland, cardboard cutout after another. I became resentful and angry, and that caused even more problems in the relationship. It is sometimes easy to go back and want to dwell in the mistakes of the past because it takes courage to face the future. I have to admit, there are some days when I am not so courageous.
This morning I awoke to snow and remembered the promise of grace and hope. I have the hope that the future is mine to have. Life is going to happen, and there is still much pain, grief, and heartbreak to come. One step, one breath, and self-knowledge will hopefully push me through those times, and I won't dwell in the illusions of what I thought I was. Even in my imperfections, I find grace.